Championship

Well. I don't know how I expected this week to feel. I guess I would've been disappointed by either team winning, to tell you the truth. But something about seeing the teams with the best records in the league facing off for the championship is even worse than when we had the #6 seed facing off against (and beating) the #4 seed in 2015. That stunk for the teams that played well all season - but at least it was surprising, and therefore a little bit exciting. Anyway.

The only person more depressed over this game is probably Bill. His team, as we all sort of hoped/expected, sort of fell apart in the end. Tom Brady (12pts) closed out the season with four straight lackluster performances after put up pretty spectacular stat lines as recently as weeks 10, 11 & 12. RB Ezekiel Elliott (11pts) returned from his six week exile and, sure, put up a double digit score - but only barely. And that against the same Seattle Defense that Todd Gurley absolutely decimated on the ground just last week. Sterling Shepard, who put up 24 points on Bill's bench last week, could only manage 4 points this week before leaving the game with a neck injury. WR Michael Thomas (6pts) ended his three game TD/double digit fantasy scored streak and WR Keenan Allen (6pts) continued his downward trend after breaking his streak last week. Not even 16 points from Kareem "The Invisible Man" Hunt could pull Bill out of this tailspin as he finished the biggest week of his season with just 84 points. (His second lowest point total of the season, for those keeping track at home.)

Jared, on the other hand, played up as he posted his highest score of the championship weeks - and third highest point total of the season. Of course, that's not a super difficult feat when your RB1 scores MORE THAN FORTY POINTS FOR THE SECOND CONSECUTIVE FRIGGING WEEK!!!!!! Yes, Nick's (very early) Christmas gift to Jared continued to pay off at just the right time as RB Todd Gurley (45pts) ran all over the Tennessee Titans (supposedly good) defense and basically put the Auto Bots on his back and carried them to their first (and last) Sports Champion Winner Trophy. But what about the other impressive scores on Jared's team, you ask? Well, those would be RB Bilal Powells' 25 points and QB Alex Smith's 18 points.... on the bench. Because only four other players in Jared's starting lineup (or whole team, really) posted double digit scores. And of those, QB Cam Newton's 13 points was the highest.

If Jared didn't have Gurley - would he have put Powell in the starting lineup and won anyway? Probably. But if he didn't have Gurley: he probably wouldn't have been in the championship in the first place and we'd likely be talking about how Andrew won another championship... this time with a score of 87 points. Ugh. I don't guess that would be much better. I mean, really, the only thing that probably would've made me happy here is if I won. Or maybe Earl.  That would've been a fine closing note. Oh - or Jeremy too, I forgot about his great season.

Ah well, to the winner go the spoils - no matter how he got there. Congratulations Jared!!

And last/least of all: Matt is the DLL because he lost to James even though James started one player who was on the IR and another who was a game day scratch. If that's not a fitting closing note for this, then I'll just leave this here....

Playoff Round 2

Jared v. Andrew

Our highest scoring Semifinal matchup was a sort of misleading score, really.

Jared had just three players put up double digit scores - but he managed to get to 120 points (117 + home field bonus) anyway. QB Cam Newton (29pts) threw four TDs against the pitiful Green Bay defense. The Baltimore D (22pts) had two INTs, two fumble recoveries, scored a TD and allowed just 10 points to the (still winless) Cleveland Browns. And last, but certainly not least, RB Todd Gurley (46pts?!) rushed for 152 yard and 3 TDs plus tacked on an additional receiving TD on one of just three passes he caught against the usually stalwart Seattle Defense. He couldn't quite have beaten Andrew with only those three players - but he came awful close. Luckily the other scrubs that make up this improbable #1 seed scored enough small amounts to put him over the top. But, on the downside, Jared lost two WRs to injuries that will keep them out next week: Antonio Brown & Marquise Lee. That's not gonna make it impossible to win the one more game he needs to win to take home the crappy trophy - but it's gonna make it harder, that's for sure!

For Andrew's part, he tried valiantly to make his way to a second straight Sports championship. A big day from RB Melvin Gordon (22pts) was great - but a less than big day from RB2 Carlos Hyde (3pts) wasn't so great. Too bad RB Jerrick McKinnon (15pts)was on the bench instead of in the starting lineup! Oh, and there's also that matter of starting QB Kirk Cousins only scoring 14pts while backup QB Jameis Winston scored 23pts on the bench. Those points sure would've been nice - wouldn't they? But I guess the real "too bad" moment was Andrew WR Kelvin Benjamin (2pts) instead of TE Greg Olsen (19pts). Because we can play math problems all day, but if he'd reversed just this one decision we'd be talking about how he squeaked out a one point win over Jared instead of how he took a 16 point loss to (basically) three players. Womp womp.

Jared, sadly, moves on the final to face the winner of.....

Bill v. Earl

Oh hey, another matchup where one team only had three players in double digits!

But unfortunately for Earl, even though QB Nick Foles (seriously) put up 24 points and RB Le'Veon Bell put up 23, he couldn't quite keep up the same level of overachieving we saw with Jared - as his third player (WR Brandin Cooks) only put up 12 points. The rest of Earl's team wasn't really even close; and it wasn't even as if he had lots of reserves on the bench - with only TE Ben Watson (13pts) outscoring a player in the starting lineup. So I guess at least Earl doesn't have to kick himself for making poor decisions like Andrew? Sure! That's one way to look at it!

For his Part, Bill did get a little bit further about the mediocrity line - even if having 5 players in double digits is really only slightly more awe inspiring than 3. Fortunately, one of those players for Bill was RB Kareem Hunt (34pts): who didn't quite put up a Gurley-esque score, but still managed 2 TDs on over 200 yards from scrimmage for his second highest week of the season. A pair of matching 20's from TE Gronk and the Minnesota D were also pretty nice and helped take the sting out of WR Keenan Allen (5pts) breaking his 4 week double digit streak. It all adds up to Bill winning his freaking 5th SLA of the season with this 128 point week. And, sadly, Bill looks to be in the catbird seat - despite losing RB Rex Burkhead (7pts) for next week's championship. (Apparently he gets some guy called "Zeke" back for that game anyway? Gross.)

Yes, that's right kiddies. For those with poor reading comprehension - let me break the bad news to you in plain English: our championship will be the 2 "best" teams in the league this season. Gee. How exciting. Wheee.

Earl and Andrew will battle it out for third place to see who gets their money back, at least. The rest of us will be forced to hope for maybe one last SLA as a table scrap since Bill is already taking home $30 for scoring the most points this season (by almost a 100 point margin over his closest competitor) and he and Jared will divide the rest of the cash somehow or another. Sigh. Sports. I hate your guts.

Playoff Round 1

I thought this year was going to be different. But the more things change, apparently, the more they stay the same.

Earl v. Jeremy

Coming into this first round matchup, Jeremy was the highest seeded of the non-bye teams. He had just beaten Earl in week 13 by a score of 116-86, not to mention winning their week 3 matchup 91-78. In fact, Jeremy had outscored Earl in each of the final four weeks of the regular season - by an average of 27 points per game! All signs pointed toward a slam dunk for Jeremy in his first trip to the playoffs in Sports league history. All signs were wrong.

Jeremy had just three players in triple digits this week - QB Russell Wilson (25pts), RB Alex Collins (24pts) and RB Dion Lewis (10pts). RB Mark Ingram (8pts) couldn't take advantage of an increased workload against the Falcons (due to the injury to his teammate Alvin Kamara), WR Tyreek Hill (8pts) couldn't follow up last weeks 38 point performance with another splashy score against the lowly Oakland Defense, WR Mike Evans (2pts) continued to be one the biggest first round busts in recent memory and TE Austin Sefarian-Jenkins (0pts) proved that, despite flashes of greatness earlier in the season, he's still the same old ASJ.

All Earl did, on the other hand, was get his second highest score of the season - despite not really having a legitimate NFL QB on his roster. (Derek Carr started and got 6 points; Josh McCown had -6 on the bench.) But hey, when you have RB Le'Veon Bell (26pts), WR Adam Thielen (21pts) and RB Leonard Fournette (19pts) - who needs a QB anyway?

And so Jeremy's Cinderella story came to a crashing halt while Earl's quest to return to his third place dominance got a major boost.

The Upper Deckers move on to round two where they'll face the #2 seeded Delco Scumbags. In their only regular seasons matchup, Earl won by a score of 136-75. However, when we take a look at the bigger picture, the he outscored Bill just 4 times out of the 14 weeks we've played thus far. So Earl will really need to hope for continued big production from his studs in addition to finding at least a double digit QB (Nick Foles? Really?) to pull off another playoff upset this week. Bill, on the other hand, will just hope to fake it through one more week until he gets RB Ezekiel Elliott back from suspension. (Whether 'Zeke can help him win his first Sports Champion Winner Trophy or his first Third Wheel remains to be seen.)

Andrew v. Tim

Sadly (for Tim), our other playoff matchup also saw another clear favorite fall by the wayside. While Andrew came into this matchup with as the higher seed - Tim had all the momentum on his side. Over the final five games of the regular season, he'd outscored Andrew by an average of 34 points per game - and that was despite a week 11 stinker where the Pandas recorded just 59 points.

Of course, it definitely didn't help Tim's cause when MVP RB Alvin Kamara (2pts) got knocked out of the game and into the concussion protocol just five minutes into his TNF matchup against Atlanta. (In the previous five games, any one of Kamara's scores would've given the TPs more than enough points to take this one home.) And then there's that whole matter of benching the Broncos D (16pts) in favor of the Patriots D (2pts). Because, you know, Tim totally should've been able to predict that Jets QB Josh McCown would give the No Fly Zone a free pass just 2 weeks after decimating the Carolina D while the recently intimidating Pats D would get absolutely crushed by... Jay Cutler - even though they dominated them in their week 12 contest. (Still worthy of the BBB, regardless of the justification.) Not even late season gold RB Jamaal Williams (22pts) or a season high score by WR Dez Bryant (16pts) could pull Tim out of this hole, though.

It seemed like (almost) all of Tim's luck was bad for this matchup... so, of course, (almost) all of Andrew's was good. TE Zach Ertz remained in the league concussion protocol, so Andrew picked up Eagles TE Trey Burton as a fill in. Logically, Burton scored 19 points (one point higher than Ertz's season high) against the 6th best pass defense in the NFL. And, as if that wasn't enough, Dolphins RB Kenyan Drake(20pts) - who just two weeks ago could only manage 9 points against the Pats - dropped 114 rushing yards and 79 receiving yards for a total of 20 points against that same Patriots Defense. Those two players were really all Andrew would need to put away Tim, despite the long odds against him.

Yes, if Jeremy's was a Cinderella story - then Tim's was a Rocky screenplay. After losing the consensus #1 RB in the draft, David Johnson, halfway very first game of the season - he somehow managed to cobble together a 7-5-1 record and stormed into the playoffs on a scoring tear. But it was all for naught as one bad week ended his movie just like Jeremy's story. Andrew, on the other hand, continues his quest (however shakily) to be the first back to back champion since Randy did it in our first and second seasons.

But if Andrew wants to keep his "feel good" story going, he's going to have to go through #1 seed Jared and the Autobots in order to do it. In their only regular season matchup this year, Andrew failed miserably - losing by a score of 36-92. And out of the 14 weeks we've played thus far? Andrew's team has been outscored by Jared's in all but three weeks with season totals of 1049-1278, in favor of Jared. I'd say Andrew is a long shot to pull this one out - but hey, stranger things have happened. <eye roll>

.....

And lastly - I know I said we'd forego talking about the other rubbish matchups in the "post season" here. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Matt, who came into the loser's bracket as the #12 seed, won his first SLA award with a whopping 124 points this week. That means that there are only three teams that will pay full price to play this season, having not won back at least $5 of their entry fee, if nothing changes in the final two weeks: Nick (duh), James (double duh)... and championship "contender" Andrew.

Oh, Sports.

Week 13

Well lads, that's it. It's all over but for the crying now. Some teams barely missed the playoffs while some barely made the playoffs. Some teams have been out of it for a while and some have been all up in it for even longer. And the one thing we all have in common is that only one of us won't be crying or rambling on about "what might have been" at the end of the season. Gosh. That's depressing. Let's change the subject.

Tim v. Bill

Oh, wait, before we change the topic from depressing - we have to reference Bill's two game losing streak heading into the playoffs!

Yes, though we once wondered if Bill would lose any games this season - regression has lately bitten him right in the Scumbags. Is 95 points a bad score? No, of course not! But is it a bad thing when TB12 only scores 5 points and K.Hunt only scores 6? Indeed. Now, this was clearly an anomalous week for Brady. He's had just one other single digit score this season - and that was all the way back in week 1. Hunt, on the other hand - clearly becoming the rule, not the exception. Once regarded as the biggest steal in out draft, The KC RB hasn't scored a TD since week 3 and hasn't posted a double digit fantasy score since week 7! And while some of the pundits say that it's just a matter of time until he has another big day, considering the workload entrusted to him, it's getting harder and harder to buy. Bill better keep his fingers crossed, because I'm not sure anyone is eager to hang their playoff hopes on Rex Burkhead (22pts)! (Although, at least he'll have Zeke available in week 16 to help him win third place!)

Now, on to brighter thoughts: after weeks of wondering whether the Trash Pandas were syncing up at just the right time - week 13 seemed to answer that question with a resounding YES! What team doesn't want to have their best week of the season in their final regular season matchup; a game they must win in order to keep things shiny? I mean... right? Tim's lone misfire this week was WR JuJu Smith-Schuster (1pt) who had a quiet night even before he made an illegal hit and then taunted his incapacitated victim. (The upside for the TPs is that Smith-Schuster was only in the lineup because Michael Crabtree was suspended for illegal activity of his own.) But other than that one little hiccup, it was all double digits for Tim this week - highlighted by the continuing emergence of RB Alvin Kamara (24pts) with his second straight multiple TD game, not to mention his 4th 20+ point game of the season. Also in the 20 point club this week was some guy named Jamaal Williams (20pts) who's scored a score (see what I did there?) in two consecutive weeks now. If you think that Tim just picked Williams up because he had an empty bench spot and all of the other Green Bay RBs were injured at the time - you're absolutely correct. I don't think anybody saw this kind of production coming from Williams, especially after he failed miserably with his first audition as a lead back earlier in the season. But hey, luck is 90% of winning in fake sports - so Tim'll take it!

With the win, the Trash Pandas cements their spot in the post season and move up from the #6 seed to #5 - which means Tim'll face Andrew in the first round of the playoffs instead of Jeremy. (Who ever though that'd be a favorable move?) Bill, despite his failures these past two weeks, still gets a first round bye after winning the Sweaty Jocks division with a record of 9-4. And, truth be told, it couldn't come at a better time since he would've been without Gronk (16pts) - who will be suspended this week because he's an idiot.

Jeremy v. Earl

In what turned out to be a warm up game for their first round playoff matchup, this contest saw Jeremy and Earl both flash and fizzle a little bit. (Jeremy just had a little more flash.)

Earl is no stranger to the fizzle at this point, of course. He's lost four of his last six games and hasn't scored over 100 points since week 6! What's more concerning is that with just three players in double digits this week, I don't know if I can see things turning around any time soon. QB Derek Carr (14pts) was serviceable and RB Leonard Fournette (13pts) saved a lackluster day with a TD to account for 2/3 of that equation. Not surprisingly, RB Le'Veon Bell (25pts) turned it up against hated AFC North rival Cincinnati to complete the trifecta. But instead of winning the week for Earl, Bell just made the loss not quite so bad. Ouch.

(Oh, and I guess this would be the point where I just wouldn't be doing my job as an instigator if I didn't mention that earlier in the week Earl dropped QB Alex Smith (41pts) to pick up QB Tyrod Taylor (0pts). So there. Consider it mentioned.)

Jeremy scored 30 more points than Earl - despite having just one more (4) player in double digits. It just happens that the one additional player was WR Tyreek Hill (38pts). Hill has had an up and down season, but this was definitely an upswing as he dropped 185 yards and 2 TDs on the unsuspecting Jets Defense. And speaking of unsuspecting - who saw WR Nelson Agholor (22pts) putting up 141
yards and a TD against the Seattle D? Even without Sherman and Chancellor, that's still impressive for a guy who's previous high mark for yardage in a game was 93! The bad news is that RB Joe Mixon (3pts) followed up a breakout 24 point performance in week 12 with a stinker against the Steelers... AND landed in the league concussion protocol. The worse news is that WR1 Mike Evans (3pts) is still MIA - failing to post a double digit score since week 7, which is also the last time he scored a TD. But hey, a win's a win - and this win got Jeremy the 3rd seed in the playoffs! This is his  highest regular season finish ever. By far.

(In the interest of shared ridicule, I would also like to point out that had Jeremy started RB Alex Collins (21pts) instead of Mixon and the Miami D (28pts) instead of Philly (2pts) - he would've finished the week with 160 points. And that would've usurped Jared's 156 points in week 4 as the highest score (thus far) of the season. Not starting a Baltimore back instead of a guy who just put up 24 points the week before? Forgivable. Not starting a D against the Broncos instead of a D against the Seahawks? C'mon brah!)

As I mentioned, the win secures the #3 seed for Jeremy while the loss still allowed Earl to squeak into the playoffs as the #6 seed. And that means these two crazy kids are going to go at it again next week... when it really matters! Will Jeremy flash Earl again? Or will Earl flash Jeremy this time? Either way, someone is going to be traumatized by this time next week - that's for certain!

Jared v. James

I feel kind of bad typing "Jared v. James" for this one because it gives the illusion that James actually competed in a contest this week. But seeing as how he didn't even score half of what Jared did - that would be a miscategorization, really.

Yes, James posted 57 points total - which was a resoundingly losing score, obviously. But it was also a full 16 points less than Jared's bench score! (Okay, so that number is overly inflated thanks to the 41 points from QB Alex Smith sitting there. Because Jared picked up Alex Smith after Earl dropped him. And also didn't play him.) Let's just not talk about James' season any more.

Jared, however, is still solidly in the conversation, unfortunately. That's right, just one year removed from finishing the season as our DLL - Jared ends the regular season as the #1 seed with a record of 11-2. Much of that success can be attributed to RB Todd Gurley (15pts), whom Jared now infamously stole from Nick early in the season when all the "experts" kept insisting that Gurley couldn't possibly keep up his high scoring ways. And now, late in the season, WR Antonio Brown (18pts... on the bench), whom Jared infamously stole from Matt, is turning things up; proving that not even turf toe can keep him from having a 100+ yard game. Oh, and who could forget... RB Marshawn Lynch (23pts)? Wait, what? Is this 2010? Did I get stuck in a wormhole? Nope. You read that right. Beast Mode romped on the pitiful New York football Giants for his first 100+ yard game of the season. Plus TE Travis Kelce (21pts) came just 6 yards shy of a 100+ yard game of his own, though he at least kicked in 2 TDs to make it worthwhile. Shoot, even fricking "RB" Tarik Cohen (15pts) took a punt return 61 yards to the house to inflate his score in this one. It was mostly a perfect storm for Jared even though it didn't make a lick of difference to his season. (Note: this 77 point win was pretty impressive - just not quite as impressive as his 98 point win over Dustin in week 4.)

At any rate, Jared is in the cat bird seat; waiting to see which wildcard winner he'll try to be waaaaay luckier than in week 15. (Fun Fact: while his 1278 point for was the second highest total in the league, Jared also had just 928 points scored against him in the regular season. 80 points less than his next closest competitor. No wonder he finished 11-2!)

Oh, and I know I already said we won't talk about the other guy anymore. But FYI - that goes for all the other losers after this recap too. I know the consolation bracket still "means something" - but really, who cares?

Kevin v. Nick

Aha! After a brief diversion to a game that may as well not have even happened - we come back to a matchup that actually mattered! Well, for Nick anyway. All Kevin was playing for in this one was pride... and as it turns out, he had plenty to be proud of as he ruined the last shot the former champ had at a playoff bid.

Now, sure, the final score in this one is actually a little deceptive. Nick lost by 32 points - but both teams had 6 players who only scored single digit totals. Both teams also got 16 points from their QBs (Marcus Mariota and Carson Wentz) and 12 points from a rising young WR (Devin Funchess and Robby Anderson.) The biggest difference, besides the fact that Kevin's single digit scores were mostly 8's and 9's while Nick's were mostly 2's and 3's, ended up being the Defense. The LA Rams scored an impressive 22 points for Kevin while Detroit only managed -3 for Nick. Ouch. That's a pretty damning swing.

Just to reiterate: Kevin killed Nick's season. Because had Nick won, given Earl's loss to Jeremy, the Pig Skins actually would've advanced to the playoffs. But Kevin shut that door - just because he could. Womp womp. These teams drop down to the consolation bracket now. And, again, who cares?

Eric v. Matt

Oh, while we're on the topic of "who cares": this matchup. It meant nothing going in and means nothing coming out. The Cowboys D scored 17 points for Matt and Alfred Morris scored 20 for Eric. There's your highlights. Good year, fellas.

Andrew v. Dustin

And lastly, just barely meaning something, was our lowest scoring matchup. Basically the only thing Dustin could've done with a win is make Andrew the #5 seed instead of #4, thus losing him the 3 point "home field advantage" bonus. But he couldn't even do that much.

I mean, if Dustin had started RB Derrick Henry (21pts) or RB Matt Forte (14pts) instead of RB Jay Ajayi (4pts), WR Julio Jones (2pts) or WR Davante Adams (4pts) he could've done it. But he didn't. So not even some more late game heroics from QB Ben Roethlisberger (16pts) could help this spoiler's cause.

For his part, Andrew had RB Kenyan Drake (23pts). The end.

So Dustin falls off the edge of the world while Andrew postpones his fall off the edge of the world for one more week as he'll make a procedural appearance in the first round of the playoffs against Tim - even though his team hasn't scored more than 90 points in a game since week 8. When he scored 117. And beat Tim. Ohhhhh fuuuuuudge.


Sports.

Week 12

Now THAT was an interesting week. Our playoff picture got a lot clearer, we saw two games come down to the wire and we had five teams score more than 100 points for the first time this season! Let's get right down to the action.

Dustin v. Bill

Holy smokes! Talk about a revenge narrative! For those who haven't been paying attention, Bill and Dustin previously faced each other back in week 2 - a matchup that Bill won by a score of 137-106. The next highest scoring team that week was Andrew with a measly 86 points. And yet despite having at least 20 more points than any other team in the league (besides the one he was playing) - Dustin took the loss AND the Catcher Award for the largest margin of defeat. Ouch. Dustin would then go on to lose 6 of the next 8 games as he more or less watched his season go down the drain. Did the loss to Bill actually cause any of that? Well no, obviously not. But we're talking about a narrative here. Duh. Anyway, the stage was set for an epic rematch this week between these two teams who's seasons have followed drastically different courses.  But nobody (myself included) could've expected what was to follow!

Bill set the bar early with big turkey day scores from QB Case Keenum (25pts) and WR Keenan Allen (26pts) while Dustin go a big fat goose egg from TE Vernon Davis. His week had only just begun and yet Dustin found himself in a 54 point hole.

Then came the early Sunday games. Dustin's first round keeper - WR Julio Jones (45pts!!) - finally lived up to his reputation, dropping 268 yards from scrimmage and 2 TDs on the hapless Bucs. Maybe this thing would be a lot closer than we thought? Or maybe not, since Bill's RB Tevin Coleman (21pts) logged 97 yards and 2 TDs of his own against those same hapless Bucs while hiw TE Rob Gronkowski (20pts) went for 82 yards and another 2 TDs in his game against the equally hapless Dolphins. Throw in a handful of single digit scores from a bunch of players on both teams as early games gave way to late games and not much looked like it was going to change. Bill ended up with 119 points at the conclusion of those 4pm games and looked to have the win in the bag, since Dustin would need a total of 47 points from his remaining two players if he wanted to get his revenge. (And since I'm the kind of guy who would check - adding the previous 2 best weeks of those players together came just short at 44 points - though one of those scores came with some guy named Rodgers throwing passes to him.)

To a make a long story slightly less long - the improbable happened! WR Davante Adams (17pts) came just one point shy of his season best while QB Ben Roethlisberger (30pts) beat his previous high score by 4 points in the waning second of the fourth quarter to put Dustin up 120-119 and complete one of the most dramatic comebacks in Sports league history. Did it get Dustin any closer to making the playoffs? Nope. He's mathematically eliminated. Did it take $5 out of Bill's pocket, more or less? It sure did. And did it make Bill a little less confident about his odds of winning it all this year? Probably not. Have you talked to that guy this year? He thinks his team is unbeatable.

Bill will try to get back into the win column before his first round playoff bye when he faces Tim in week 13 while Dustin will hope for another revenge win that doesn't mean anything as he faces Andrew.

Jeremy v. James

Following the theme of teams that started their week with a bang but then couldn't hang on, James had a great chance to play spoiler against Jeremy... but predictably fizzled out and faded into obscurity once again.

Yes, James had three players celebrating Thanksgiving Day on the gridiron: RB Latavius Murray (14pts), WR Marvin Jones (24pts) and TE Hunter Henry (13pts). Those were seasons high scores for the two of those three players. You have to love jumping out to a 51 point lead, right? But what you don't have to love is your RB1 (Jordan Howard) and your WR1 (Demaryius Thomas) both putting up one single point a piece. After his Thursday splash, James had just two other players put up double digit scores on his entire roster - causing his projection to drop from 107 points all the way down to his actual final score of 86 points. Womp.

Jeremy, on the other hand, only saw his projection climb as RB Joe Mixon (24pts) finally lived up to the hype, putting up his best score of the season by more than doubling his previous best. QB Russell Wilson (23pts) also put up his seventh 20+ point score of the season, just in case there was any doubt who the MVP of this RBP team really is - especially on a day where RB Mark Ingram (3pts) more or less got left by the wayside. Add in 16 points from RB Dion Lewis (the biggest RB trade steal since Todd Gurley) and 15 points from WR Nelson Agholor (who got his 2nd TD of the day when Jay Ajayi fumbled into the endzone) and you have a winning recipe for Jeremy in week 12 and possibly well beyond that, if this team keeps playing up to expectations.

With the win, Jeremy sits at 7-5. And that, coupled with his 1029 total points for thus far this season, is good for third place overall at the moment. Jeremy is a lock for his first postseason appearance in league history! He'll face Earl in the final matchup of the regular season, hoping to play spoiler to the Upper Decker's playoff hopes.

James, well he sits at 3-9: tied for dead last with Matt and still way out of playoff contention. He is kind of looking strong for a run in the consolation bracket, though! That counts for something, right?

Jared v. Kevin

This one also stayed tight for a little while - but it ended up nowhere near as close as either of the first two matchups.

The early Sunday games were certainly not kind to Jared with QB Cam Newton (13pts) decidedly not living up to expectations, especially coming off of a 35 point masterpiece in week 10, and TE Travis Kelce (3pts) also failing to impress against the recently vulnerable Buffalo defense. But then in the 4 o'clock games Jared had four double digit scores, headlined by a second straight 30 point week from WR Antonio Brown (32pts), putting him well out in front of Kevin.

Yes, heading into MNF, Kevin found himself down by 37 points - thanks to just three double digits scores up until that point: RB Isaiah Crowell (10pts), WR Devin Funchess (12pts) and the Carolina Defense (11pts). We'd already seen one dramatic comeback this week - would this be another one? Well, no, I already spoiled that in the first sentence of this matchup recap. (My bad.) Kevin did get a decent night out of WR DeAndre Hopkins (14pts) but WR Jeremy Maclin (0pts) came up empty. (Plus Jared had the Baltimore D, who added another 10 pts to his total.)

This game didn't really mean much, though when coupled with Bill's loss is does move Jared into 1st place over all with a record of 10-2. He'll try to hold onto that #1 seed in a week 13 matchup with the occasionally potent James.

Kevin, however, is now officially out of the playoff race. But he does get one last chance to make his mark on the playoff race as he faces Nick next week. If Kevin can somehow pull off a win, he'll knock Nick off of the playoff bubble and down to the consolation bracket with the rest of the rabble. Fingers crossed!

Eric v. Andrew

Ah, yet another close matchup that ended up with an upset! It was a bad weekend to be a fake football manager with the surname Reese, that's for sure.

Thursday yielded mixed results for the matchup as WR Jamison Crowder (24pts) posted his best score of the season for Andrew while RB Samaje Perine (15pts) put up his second straight week of 100+ rushing yards for Eric. It wasn't all good news for Andrew, though, as QB Kirk Cousins (9pts) got beat up in the same game and posted his fifth single digit score of the season. Sure, Andrew did get good days from his pair of Eagles - WR Alshon Jeffrey (11pts) & TE Zach Ertz (18pts) - but otherwise had all single digit scores, leaving his total for the week at 85.

Of course, Eric didn't exactly tear it up the rest of the week either. (Especially with the usually helpful Jags D only contributing 11pts.) He did have another good day from QB Jared Goff (18pts) and a fluky TD thrown by WR Mohamed Sanu (15pts), but heading into MNF he still found himself down by 3 points with a score of 82. So obviously, as if on cue, WR Mike Wallace scored exactly 4 points to give Eric the (mostly meaningless) win.

The loss probably hurts Andrew's ego a little, but it doesn't hurt his playoff odds as even in defeat Andrew locks up a place in the postseason - no matter what happens in his week 13 matchup with Dustin. And while the win probably boosted Eric's self esteem at the end of a pretty miserable season - it doesn't boost him into worthwhile position in the standings; he's eliminated from the good side of the postseason and will have to settle for the possibility of continued success in the consolation bracket. (Well, you know, if he actually sets his lineup for those games and doesn't just quit after his week 13 matchup like he did last year.) Eric faces Matt in the final week of the season for no reason whatsoever.

Tim v. Matt

Speaking of Matt, he lost by 58 points this week! I know, that sounds bad. But hey, it wasn't even his biggest beating of the season. (That came in week 6 when he lost to Andrew by a whopping 71 points.) On the up side: at least he hasn't paid anything yet to have the worst record in the league! (Hint, hint.)

Compared to all the teams who got off to great starts on Thanksgiving - Matt mostly spun his wheels. He got just 13pts from QB Matt Stafford, who also injured his ankle, and that resulted in WR Golden Tate (2pts) having a rubbish day as well. I mean, those scores were at least positive though. The Cowboys D put up a -5 in their game against the Chargers to bring an already low score just a little bit lower. Those two < 3 point scores joined three others on the Islanders starting lineup to round out an all around miserable week for the already eliminated Matt.

Tim, however, showed signs of life after his complete flop against Eric in week 12. (It's a good thing too, as Tim would've been all but eliminated from playoff contention with a loss against Matt.) Not to say that he didn't have his fair share of flops this week again with WR Dez Bryant (3pts) still failing to hit his stride, TE Evan Engram (1pt) getting a case of the drops in his primetime matchup against the Redskins and WR Michael Crabtree putting up a big fat goose egg after getting ejected early in his game for fighting. (He's also suspended for the next two games now. Great trade deadline deal!) Luckily for Tim, he didn't need anything more than QB Philip Rivers (34pts) and RB Alvin Kamara (35pts) to put Matt away this week. But he'll likely face stiffer competition from Bill in week 13.

Yes, for the third time in as many years, Tim will face Bill in the final week of the regular season. And for the second of those three years, this matchup basically comes down to a "win and in" scenario for Tim's playoff hopes. If he can manage to beat Bill, he's definitely in the playoffs. With a loss, he can only advance with a loss from Nick. He'll hope to keep his destiny in his own hands.

Oh, and Matt is still eliminated from the playoffs. But that's nothing new - he was one of the first teams eliminated. Maybe he can pick it up in the consolation bracket and get the first draft choice for a second year in a row? (But probably not.)

Earl v. Nick 

And that brings us to our lowest scoring matchup of the week: an important tilt between two teams that allegedly are competing for the final couple postseason tickets.

Like Tim, Earl needed this win to stay alive in the playoff hunt. He got it - though in a dramatically less convincing manner. RB Le'Veon Bell (16pts), WR Brandin Cooks (15pts) and TE Kyle Rudolph (18pts) all did their part in securing the win for their team. Everyone else - didn't. Most concerning of those letdowns were a second consecutive lackluster day from QB Alex Smith (10pts) and a complete flop from RB Leonard Fournette (3pts) - his second single digit score in the past three weeks. One is forced to wonder - did Earl peak too early in 2017? And will he be able to pick his play back up in time to get back to his rightful 3rd place? Only time will tell.

As for Nick - I think he definitely climaxed early this year. His only starting player with double digit points this week was Carson Wentz (22pts); nobody else scored more than 7 points. Could he have done better with 2 running backs in his starting lineup? Technically - although neither of the two RBs he left on the bench did better than 3 points anyway. But you know what roster decision would've helped? Having Robby Anderson and his 31 points in the starting lineup instead of on the bench. I mean, he'd only scored a TD in each of his previous 4 weeks - posting a double digit score in three of those four games. That only makes him the best WR on Nick's team! Yes, you read that correctly: he has more points than any other non-QB player on the Pig Skins and actually ranks as the #10 fantasy WR in the entire league. Starting a blank slot will almost always get you a BBB in Sports league, but Nick earned his doubly this week by sitting enough points to win a pivotal matchup for a team on the playoff bubble.

And so it is that neither of these teams is definitely in the playoffs and neither of these teams is definitely out... yet.

If Earl wins his matchup with Jeremy - he's in. If he loses - he needs Tim and/or Nick to lose in order to secure a spot in the post season.

If Nick wins his matchup against Kevin - he could still miss the playoffs should Tim and Earl both win their matchups. However, should Nick lose - he's out; no matter whether Tim and/or Earl win or lose.

And so the plot thickens.
Sports. 

Week 11

So this is officially the time of year when I get tired of typing these recaps. Last week's was viewed a whopping 6 times. That sure sounds like a decent investment of 2-3 hours of my life, doesn't it? Also probably doesn't help that we're officially in the "spoiler" part of the season when teams fail to show up when they need to the most and teams that haven't shown up for most of the season suddenly have break out days - just in time to ruin the fun for people who actually care. You know, hypothetically speaking and all. Anyway, let's see if we can get through this.



James v. Earl

Speaking of bad beats! Nobody has to tell Earl about that this season. Of his five losses, thus far, just one has been by more than 13 points. On top of that, he's now lost two in a row to sub .500 teams that almost certainly won't be making the playoffs: first Kevin (100-67) and now James (106-94).

Of course, we probably should've seen this coming with James. I mean, he did just have an impressive victory over Dustin (86-80... in week 6) and it's not like this is his first time scoring more than 100 points in a week (it is). Say what?! That's right, Sports fans - week 12 of the 2016 season was the last time James had broken the 100 point threshold before this win! So, obviously, he would choose to do so for the first time in 2017 in a pivotal matchup for a suddenly faltering Upper Deckers squad. 

Not that we can necessarily call 94 points by Earl a big failure. If he'd scored that many points against James in literally any other week this season - he would've won the match. Just not today. Even another zero from alleged professional football player Taylor Gabriel (his only double digit score of the year was week 3) couldn't get James off this win, thanks to big days from QB Drew Brees (21pts) and RBs Jordan Howard (20pts) & Latavius Murray (21pts).

For his part, Earl couldn't have made any better roster choices to get himself the win. QB Alex Smith (6pts) had his worst day of the season, just his second time all year scoring in the single digits, and the Saints D (-4pts) looked downright foolish against the Redskins after posting double digits scores in five of their previous seven matchups in 2017. That kind of catastrophic failure couldn't even be buoyed by WRs Adam Thielen (23pts) and  Brandin Cooks (25pts) both enjoying their second best outings of the year.

So what does this mean for Earl? It means the only sure way for him to lock up a playoff spot is to win his final two games of the season, starting with a week 12 matchup against Nick. A loss won't rule him out, but it sure will make things a lot more complicated. And what does this mean for James? Well, just that he made Earl's life more difficult, really - because there's still 0% chance of James making it to the good playoffs. He'll hope to keep playing the roll of spoiler next week as he matches up with another bubble team: The Record Breaking Proffitts.

Bill v. Andrew

Another week, another win for Bill. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Can someone explain to me how someone loses Zeke Elliott from their roster and still manages to score 118 points for the third time this season? It's gotta be voodoo or something. I mean - right?

Having WR Keenan Allen (29pts) record his best game of the season (almost double his previous best) by scoring just his second and third TDs of the season seems like a good place to start. I mean, it's not like he was going against Buffalo - who'd allowed just 4 passing TDs all season prior to this game, right? (Wrong.) Or I could also reference that funny little thing where just as Zeke's suspension started and Bill desperately needed a running back to fill his shoes - Devonta Freeman "happened" to get a concussion and now RB Tevin Coleman (11pts) has scored TDs in consecutive weeks in his place. Of course, both of those examples would be glancing over the fact that TB12 (29pts) hadn't scored three or more TDs since week 3 of the season but now has done so in consecutive weeks - right when it's most important. Ugh. It's looking more and more like the Scumbags are just a team of destiny this year - taking home a league leading 4 SLA's ($20!) thus far and looking basically impervious to the effects of injuries or suspensions.

Andrew on the other hand... maybe not so much. After getting the BBB for sitting RB Kenyan Drake's 18 point score last week, Andrew started him in place of bye week RB Carlos Hyde... and he proceeded to score one lousy point. Which is bad - but not as bad as a big, fat goose egg from TE Zach Ertz as he returned to the Eagles' high scoring lineup after having a bye week to recover from the leg injury that kept him out of week 9's contest. Did QB Kirk Cousins (26pts) have a big day? Sure. But he can't carry this team on his own.

So where does Andrew fit into this playoff picture? Well, he'll be playing in the first round - that's for sure. It's just a matter of whether it's the championship bracket or the consolation bracket. You read that correctly: with a record of 7-4 on the season, Andrew is still not a lock to make the playoffs. Were he to somehow lose out, he could conceivably be bumped from the big show by one of a number of bubble teams. So if Andrew doesn't want Stranger Things to Happen: he needs a win against Eric in week 12. We shall see.

As for Bill, there's no mystery left to his regular season. Even if the Scumbags were to lose out, Bill would still be putting on the Roman War Helmet and taking a first round bye in week 14. So I mean, pretty much he doesn't even need to set his lineup for these next two weeks. He might as well let Dustin and whatever team he happens to be playing in week 13 win, because it doesn't make a difference. At all. Ever.

Dustin v. Matt

And while we're on the topic of Dustin - he proved that when he scores more than 100 points, he wins 66% of the time! Okay, it doesn't sound quite so impressive when you put it like that I guess. How about this: Dustin has won 100% of his games against teams other than Bill when he scores more than 100 points. Yeah. Much better!

Dustin did get the win in week 11, but it came at a big cost as he lost one of our top FA finds of the season when RB Chris Thompson (8pts) went down with a broken leg. The loss was eased somewhat by Dustin's Sunday morning trade acquisition of RB Jay Ajayi (10pts) - and the fact that, even with the win, he's still pretty much mathematically eliminated from the playoffs (with just one win against divisional opponents). Getting more big days from QB Big Ben (26pts) and role playing WRs like Rishard Matthews (22pts) and Kenny Stills (29pts) will help Dustin feel better about himself, but still probably won't get him into the positive side of the post season.

And Matt? Matt is definitely out. Returning to his injurious form, this week Matt saw one of his few bright spots - WR Robert Woods (8pts) - go down with a shoulder injury for a likely multi-week absence. (Bench WR Terelle Pryor also went on IR with an ankle injury - but if a tree falls in the forest... well, you know.) Matt did have big days from (heavily courted trade target) RB LeSean McCoy (26pts) as well as (that guy that Tim was super psyched about but not patient enough with) WR Tyler Lockett (22pts) - who continues to personify the value of return yards as he had just 4 catches for 37 yards but racked up a ridiculous 197 combined punt/kick return yards against Atlanta on MNF. Matt will surely be glad he hung onto both players... as he continues to lose in the regular season and consolation bracket.

Looking forward to week 12, both of these teams will look to scrape together revenge wins: Dustin vs. Bill for that week 2 game when Dustin scored 106 points but still lost, and Matt vs. Tim... for of all the terrible things he's written about him all season.

Jeremy v. Kevin

Can we still call Jeremy an overachiever at this point? I mean, he's fifth in overall scoring this late in the season (not to mention on pace to finish above .500) for the first time since... ever! And this 100+ point game came at just the right time to get Jeremy one step closer to his first ever appearance in the championship bracket.

If you want to know the main catalyst for Jeremy's breakout season, you need look no further than RB Mark Ingram (23pts). With the exception of one off day (week 9 vs. Tampa), Ingram has been nothing short of sensational since the Saints offloaded A.P. - scoring double digits and at least one TD in every other week after that trade. Of course, QB Russell Wilson (27pts) has been nothing to sneeze at either. He's having a bounce back campaign in a major way after a big down turn in 2016, throwing for over 200 yards passing and 2+ TDs in 7 out of 10 games so far this season. (And, yes, it also helps when you grab the Eagles D (24pts) off waivers and they go ahead and tie their highest score of the season the very next game.) It's enough to make a big fat goose egg from the mercurial Nelson Agholor not even matter!

Also helping zeros not matter is when your opponent only scores 63 points. But then again, that's just been the kind of season Kevin has been having in his inaugural year of sports. One week actually getting it together for a win, the next falling apart and losing again. Since winning two straight in weeks 5 & 6, Kevin has lost every odd week and won every even one. So this week 11 tilt was kind of doomed from the start, I suppose. At least two of those losses were potentiated by the continued absence of WR Chris Hogan, though it didn't seem to hurt when he beat Earl by 33 points last week. In spite of solid, if not spectacular, days from QB Marcus Mariota (14pts) & TE Jimmy Graham (13pts) in addition to game day trade acquisitions RB Orleans Darkwa (14pts) & WR DeAndre Hopkins (13pts) - Kevin just got too little from the rest of his team. The loss drops Kevin to 4-7 on the season, making it all but impossible for him to make the playoffs in 2017. (It would require him winning out, at least 4 other teams losing out and maybe an act of congress.)

Looking ahead to week 12 - Jeremy has a winnable matchup against James, which would just about cement that playoff seed for him. (Though as we saw this week, James' team IS capable of big games, so I suppose anything is possible.) Kevin, on the other hand, faces Jared in a matchup that likely won't mean anything for either team - with the possible exception of saving face? (Might be too late for that too, though.)

Jared v. Nick

Another underachieving team this week, not for the first time, was the Pig Skins. Nick has lost every game this season where he's scored less than 70 points... and this loss makes 5. I mean, it would've been a whole other story if Jared didn't have WR Antonio Brown (37pts?!?) and the Ravens D (24pts).  But he did.

Other than the aforementioned monsters, Jared had just two other double digits scores in his starting lineup - a pair of 10s from RB Todd Gurley and TE Travis Kelce. Which makes a 97 point score seem much less underwhelming, when you think about it.

And Nick has two good quarterbacks - Carson Wentz (17pts) and Matt Ryan (15pts) but not much else going for him right now. So, seeing as we're not a 2 QB league, hopefully he can trade one (or both) of them for some other useful players before Wednesday's deadline? Well, you know, only if he wants to make the playoffs and all.

Jared already has made the playoffs and will (improbably) get the Roman War Helmet and a first round bye no matter what happens in his week 12 matchup with Kevin OR his week 13 matchup with James. These matchups are made doubly exciting by the fact that both opponents have little to no hope of making the playoffs. (Maybe they can try for golf scoring just to make it interesting?) Nick, on the other hand, faces Earl in what it just shy of a must win for the 'Skins. Because while he's currently sitting at the #4 seed - Nick could just as easily miss the playoffs if his next two weeks are as pathetic as this one. (That would be almost as embarrassing as trading Todd Gurley for Doug Baldwin!)

Eric v. Tim

And speaking of embarassing: Tim. In what should have been an easy matchup with a 3-7 Pepe Silvia team, Tim managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory - thanks in no small part to what looks like a monumental, if not karmic, collapse for QB Dak Prescott (-5?) since the suspension of Zeke finally took effect. (Oh yeah, plus the fact that the Jacksonville D (28pts) has scored their two highest scores of the year in weeks Pepe Silvia faced the TPs.)

Also not helping was TE Even Engram's (1pt) worst game of the season and the fact that Tim sat the Steelers D (17pts) in favor of streaming the Cardinals (3pts). 19 points from RB Alvin Kamara remains a hopeful sign, but with this loss the Trash Pandas certainly did makes things much harder on themselves as far as the playoffs go. Tim now needs to win AT LEAST one of his last two in addition to getting help from several other teams if he wants to make the positive side of the post season.

Eric, on the other hand, is almost certainly not making the post season. Well, I guess if you're into fiction you could write some sort of narrative where he wins out against Andrew and Matt, while Tim, Jeremy, Nick and Andrew all lose out as well. That'd be cute. But as just two of Eric's four wins have come against division opponents, I'm not even sure he'd win the tiebreaker at that point. And with a starting lineup that managed just one double digit score (the aforementioned JAX D) this week - does anyone really think Eric is gonna take it all home this year anyway? I hope not.

Tim faces Matt in virtual must win this week while Eric, technically, also faces a must win situation against Andrew if he wants his fairy tale ending. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.



And I'm finally finished. Sports.

Week 10

Well... that escalated quickly! This week saw a high scoring shootout between two surprising teams, a few rather predictable victories, a shocking upset and one massive shitting of the bed by a supposed contender. I don't mean to oversell things, but this might've been the most exciting week yet in 2017. Let's jump right in!

Jeremy v. Matt

Okay, I know their records may not necessarily reflect this - but we actually shouldn't be totally shocked that the highest scoring matchup this week was between Matt and Jeremy. Don't forget Matt beat Bill just a couple weeks ago and Jeremy knocked off Andrew with 120 points the week before that. Both teams have shown flashes of greatness... and mediocrity. This week started off with the latter but ended on the former in a big way.

Matt had six starters who recorded single digit scores, but ended up being buoyed by the Motor City connection of QB Matt Stafford (17pts) and WR Golden Tate (16pts) early in the day on Sunday. That, in turn, opened the door to a MONSTROUS afternoon for WR Robert Woods (34pts!) who scored two TDs for the second week in a row - and this week paired it with 174 receiving yards. Suddenly a dismal day was looking pretty sunny and it seemed that Jeremy would have to make up a lot of ground if he wanted to take home his fifth win of the season.

Yeah, Jeremy found himself in a hole because of a downright pedestrian first half of the week, kicked off by a lackluster 13 points from usually exciting QB Russell Wilson on TNF. Couple that with five single digit scores in the early games (including a pair of 1's from TE Charles Clay and WR Aldrick Robinson) and Jeremy might've just lost all hope... except for that little 131 yard, 3 TD outing for RB Mark Ingram (33pts!) against Buffalo. But even with that massive showing by his number one RB, he found himself trailing Matt by 26 points with just Dion Lewis and the Miami Defense left to play. So, of course, as if on queue - Lewis went ahead and scored 27 points on SNF to put Jeremy on top! With his actual score one point better than Matt's @ 96, Jeremy was projected to finish with over 100 points - which would've put him in the running for the Strong Like Abe. But prudence truly was the better part of valor and Jeremy opted to sit the Dolphins D and "take a knee" instead of going for the gusto. Good thing he thought it thought, because Miami fell apart against the Panthers on MNF and finished with a ghastly -8 points. Wouldn't THAT have been embarrassing? Indeed.

The win evens Jeremy out at 5-5 on the season but still leaves him on the wrong side of the playoff bubble for the time being. He'll try to keep control of his own destiny with a win in plus matchup against Kevin in week 11. Unfortunately for Matt, however, his second consecutive heartbreaking loss leave him with a 3-7 record and mere inches away from mathematical elimination. He'll try to keep his microscopic playoff hopes alive by putting a final nail in Dustin's coffin this week, since he also sits at 3-7 going into this next matchup.

Bill v. Eric 

Guys, I really think Bill is into some sort of voodoo or witchcraft or something. I mean, sure, he was only playing Eric this week - but still. No Zeke for the next 6 weeks? No K.Hunt (even though he's been almost a non-factor for the past few weeks) thanks to the bye? Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right? Nah. Sounds like the perfect setup to win his third Strong Like Abe of the season!

That's right, Bill's team of misfit toys posted a total of seven double digit scores, including season highs in yardage by RB Tevin Coleman (14pts), RB Jonathan Stewart (13pts) and WR Sterling Shepard (16pts). Only WR Keenan Allen (4pts) and TE Rob Gronkowski (7pts) failed to break the ten point threshold. Depth or luck? You be the judge.

As for Eric, he had a big day from RB Demarco Murray (25pts) - but not much else. The big story for the once feared "whiz kid", however, continues to be Eric's apparent mission to dole out serious injuries to as many of his players as possible. This week is was RB Rob Kelley (high ankle sprain/MCL sprain), RB Ty Montgomery (broken ribs?) and RB Aaron Jones (MCL sprain). They join TE Jordan Reed (hamstring) and QB Jameis Winston (shoulder) on Eric's IR list of a team.

Moving forward, Eric will (maybe) try to cobble together a fieldable team (with just $10 left in his FAAB) to take on Tim in the week ahead. He did defeat the Trash Pandas by a score of 114-53 back in week one, but that was literally almost a full roster of injured players ago - so it'll be an uphill climb to say the least. And speaking of week one - Bill will also revisit his week one matchup with Andrew: a matchup he won by a score of 103-42. With Andrew's team looking more like that counterfeit sports team this week rather than the top tier contender he portends to be - this might end up being another layup for Bill. <sigh>

Tim v. Dustin

And speaking of <sigh> - Tim fell just short of taking home positive hardware for the second week in a row thanks to Jared & Bill's MNF surges. That's depressing. But you know what else is depressing? Dustin's team.

That's right, Dustin lost another one - thanks to just three double digits scores from his entire team: QB Big Ben (15pts) and RBs Isaiah Crowell (15pts) Chris Thompson (11pts). Besides that it was 6 below for the rest of his roster and, once again, we're left asking: anyone seen Dustin? (Maybe he's hanging out with TE Jack Doyle? Because with more 0's than double digit scores this season - he also goes missing quite frequently, apparently.) <sigh>

For Tim's part, his team does (mostly) continue to fire on all cylinders - except for a few "missing persons" of his own. QB Dak Prescott (7pts) put up a single digit score for the second time in three weeks and fellow Cowboy Dez Bryant (3pts) continued to be the textbook definition of "TD dependent" - despite rumors of an impending breakout with Ezekiel Elliot out of the lineup. Luckily, the rookie magic of RB Alvin Kamara (21pts), WR JuJu Smith-Schuster (17pts) and RB/WR/Butter Knife Christian McCaffrey (17pts) continued to build - lifting the TPs to an easy victory.

Tim will hope for another easy win as he faces Eric in week 11 - seeking to solidify his hold on a playoff berth with a record of 5-4-1. Dustin, as previously mentioned, will have to bring a little more mustard in his matchup against Matt - especially if he wants to maintain any illusion of being able to sneak into the playoffs. (Or maybe it's just a good time to start stashing keepers for next season?)

Kevin v. Earl

For the second week in a row we find Earl in a 4th highest scoring matchup that was still actually pretty good... but no thanks to the red bearded wonder this time around! That's right sports fans, in perhaps the most memorable upset since Matt's win over Bill in week 8 (no, I'm not going to let it go) - Kevin pulled off an improbable victory over a team that everyone (myself included) has pretty much presumed as a playoff lock up until this point. Suddenly, Earl finds himself on the bubble with Tim - and Jeremy breathing heavily down his neck! (Hot.)

So how exactly does that happen? Well, there certainly wasn't any help from QB Eli Manning (14pts) - whom Earl acquired in a game day trade with James on Sunday morning before promptly shipping him back just two days later. (Collusion much?) I mean, yeah, that was a decent enough score - but when compared with the options on the waiver wire: CJ Beathard (28pts), Case Keenum (26pts), Deshone Kizer (21pts)... oh, wait, Earl would've still lost anyway. Sure, WR Adam Thielen (24pts) tore it up with 166 receiving yards and a TD - but RB2 Adrian Peterson (2pts) and RB3 Leonard Fournette (4pts) just couldn't get anything going - and much of Earl's team seemingly followed suit.

His opponent? Similar results in terms of hit or miss success. But Kevin's successes were just more successful, I guess you could say. WR AJ Green (22pts) managed to go a whole game without getting in a fight and as a result hung 115 yards and a TD on the Titans while WR Devin Funchess (21pts) continued to thrive in the absence of Kelvin Benjamin - finding his way to 92 yard and 2 TDs against Miami on MNF. Throw in a couple more TDs from TE Jimmy Graham (14pts) and 17 points from a Rams Defense that's put up elite numbers in 6 out of 9 games this season and you have a legit 100 point week from a team that could've just called it in weeks ago. Kevin now sports a 4-6 record and continues to live up to the "Not Dead Yet" moniker... for the time being, anyway.

Whether Kevin poses a legit threat to the bubble teams or is just set up to play the role of spoiler remains to be seen, but he'll have a chance to do both when he faces Jeremy in week 11. Earl on the other hand will have to beat (his business partner) James in order to maintain his grip on one of the final playoff spots. (Whether James tries to help Earl win for a second week in a row remains to be seen.)

Nick v. James

Speaking of James helping people win: Nick was the beneficiary of James' dumpster fire of a team this week. Of course, Nick scored 80 points - a feat which James has managed to meet or exceed only thrice this season; so I guess the rest is pretty elementary.

With only three players (barely) making double digits in his starting lineup, James didn't even pretend to put up a fight in this one. And normally I would do that thing where I point out how if he'd started this guy instead of that guy he could've won - but it's just not worth it. At 2-7 James is officially our first team completely eliminated from any kind of playoff picture.

Nick, on the other hand, is still in contention... for now. Getting QB Carson Wentz back from bye next week will help. Losing RB Devonta Freeman for who knows how long to the concussion protocol won't. But at least Nick has WR Robby Anderson (14pts), right? He's scored a TD in each of the past three weeks. You know who else on Nick's team has done that? Oh, right, nobody. In fact - WR T.Y. Hilton (2pts) has only scored 3 TDs all season. Sure, he's been the deciding factor in a couple of Nick's wins - but his infuriating lack of consistency also tells the tale of the Pig Skins in 2017: sometimes he goes for 150+ yards and sometimes he barely shows up.

With a matchup against Jared up next and Earl on the horizon - Nick better hope for more home runs than bunts in these final weeks if he wants to hold on to his playoff spot. (Especially since James will be giving Earl a win this week and Jeremy a win next week.)

Jared v. Andrew

Sorry. It feels weird typing "Jared v. Andrew" because that makes it sound like Andrew actually played fantasy football this weekend. I mean, he did do some impressive work - let's get that straight. He may be the first team this season to not record a single double digit score in their starting lineup. His 36 points for sure took the 90lb Weakling award for the lowest score of the week as well as the "That's Gotta Hurt" since it was the lowest score of the whole 2017 season. (Fun fact: he actually came in just 4 points better than the worst score in the history of the league.) But Andrew wasn't done with the suck yet! No, he also got the BBB for sitting QB Kirk Cousins (28pts) in favor of "QB" Ryan Fitzpatrick (8pts). (And also came in second place for that same trophy with RB Melvin Gordon (2pts) in the starting lineup while RB Kenyan Drake (18pts) sat on the bench.) At least it looked like he was at safe from taking the Catcher (and subsequently the Trifecta of Suck) since Jared was also having an abysmal week... well, until MNF anyway.

Yes, Jared "Lucky" Tindall rolled into Monday night with a mere 51 points to his name - thanks to just two double digit scores prior to that point: WR Marqise Lee (13pts) and RB Todd Gurley (12pts). So it would only make sense that QB Cam Newton (35pts!) would drop 4 TDs , 254 passing yards and 5 rushes for 95 yards on the hapless Dolphins. I mean, right? Ugh. In the course of one game Jared went from having a score that could've beaten... LITERALLY ONLY THE TEAM HE HAPPENED TO BE PLAYING to a score that could beat... 6 out of 11 other teams in the league. Win? I guess?

Jared moves to 8-2 on the season, tied for first place with Bill. He's still got the third highest total points scored (940) and STILL has the lowest points against (735) by a thirty eight point margin over his next closest competitor for that honor. (That would be Andrew with 773 points against, for those keeping score at home.) Maybe this why I don't necessarily buy that these two teams are as good as their records say they are? Or maybe I'm just bitter. Probably both. Anyway, Jared will likely keep up his ruse against Nick in week 11 as he's currently a 17 point favorite... and Nick's RBs are Duke Johnson and Theo Riddick. As for Andrew - maybe not so much. He comes into this matchup with brother Bill as a 13 point underdog. (Thanks in part to WR Michael Thomas, whom Eric gave to Bill for pretty much nothing sometime during the composition of this recap. I would say more on the matter - but I'm afraid I might throw up in my mouth.)


Spor..... spooooor..... spoooooooorts. .

Week 9

We're almost 3/4 of the way through the fake sports season and there are some sub .500 teams still vying for a playoff berth! Who said going back to just 2 divisions would improve the quality of our playoff teams? Thankfully, there's still a handful of weeks left to play - so hope remains that all of our playoff teams might actually end up with winning records. But let's not jump too far ahead, we've got some mediocre action from week 9 to get through before we get to see how depressing the playoffs will be!


Tim v. James

What would you say if I told you that James would score 80 or more points for just the third time all season WITHOUT Jordan Howard in his lineup? I know, right?! QB Drew Brees (17pts) rebounded from his first single digit score of the season in week 8 and put up a respectable score to lead the way for James while FA add RB Devontae Booker (12pts) proved that kick return yards DO actually add up - as he had just 21 rushing yards but still made his way to double digits. But the real hero for WYIM this week was WR Marvin Jones (24pts) who's 107 yards and 2 TDs on MNF almost brought James' score high enough for him to not take the biggest loss of the week. Almost. But alas, James still ended up losing by 38 points and taking the Catcher award thanks to a goose egg from oft injured TE Ryan Griffin, who left his game early after suffering yet another concussion.

As for Tim, only time will tell if he's here for real now or if he just happened to catch lightning in a bottle in week 9. But for the time being, the Trash Pandas were firing on (almost) all cylinders with just two starting players recording single digit scores (RB Orleans Darkwa & WR Dez Bryant with matching 7's.) Out in front for CTP were RB Alvin Kamara (25pts), who scored both a rushing and receiving TD, and usual suspect - QB Dak Prescott (24pts), who has thrown 2 or more TDs in 75% of his games this season and rushed for a total of 4 additional scores. We'll also give an honorable mention to RB Christian McCaffrey (14pts) who's 66 rushing yards and first rushing TD of the season proved that, yes, he is actually a running back. Tim puts up his highest total of the season (not to mention winning his first game on an odd numbered week) and takes home both the Strong Like Abe and the Pitcher Award.

Looking ahead to week 10 - Tim will hope to keep his undefeated "even" week record going as he faces off with Dustin while James matches up pretty evenly with Nick and will look to play spoiler to the Pig Skins' playoff chances - if not preserve whatever slim playoff chances he himself has.

Bill v. Jared

The second highest scoring matchup of the week was a close, if not impressive, meeting between the first place and a (tied for) second place team in the league.

For Jared, QB Cam Newton (18pts) got untracked from his lackluster weeks 7 & 8 and and looked a little more like that guy who Tim regretted dropping. (Although Jared appears to be taking a cue from Eric's book and had 20 points from QB2 Tyrod Taylor on his bench.) Also standing out was RB Todd Gurley (21pts) who continues to say, "Regression? What regression?" - much to the chagrin of the skeptics... and former owner Nick. But Jared's big misstep was earlier in the week when he dropped RB Matt Forte to pick up the aforementioned Tyrod Taylor for $7: as Forte also put up 20 points on the waiver wire while RB DeAndre Washington put up just 1 point in Jared's starting lineup. It may not have qualified for the BBB - but it certainly cost Jared the win and broke his winning streak at 7 games.

Not that it was all kittens and tater tots for Bill, of course. He was without TB12 and Gronk, which probably offset Jared being without Brandin Cooks & Antonio Brown if nothing else. Bill's QB replacement, Jared Goff (36pts!) was a more than adequate stand in, but fill-in TE Cameron Brate (ze-ro)... not so much. Luckily, Bill had the services of "innocent" Ezekiel Elliott (15pts) for one more week to keep him in the game. And, even more luckily, that set up unlikely MNF hero Ameer Abdullah - who scored a TD just before getting a case of the fumbles (and subsequently getting benched) to put Bill up for good. (And put him back into the win column after last week's embarrassing last minute loss to Matt.)

The win by Bill and loss by Jared move them into a three way (tie) for first with Andrew. (Ewww.) Jared and Andrew will square off next week to figure out who gets to go back to second place while Bill will just have to beat Eric in order to maintain his (shared) place atop the standings. (I was really trying to fit a human centipede reference into this paragraph, but I just couldn't squeeze it in.)

Nick v. Jeremy

They say all good things must come to an end, and that happened twice in this matchup. Jeremy's two game winning streak was broken... as was Nick's three game losing streak. Rats.

For Jeremy: QB Russell Wilson (20pts) had this third consecutive game with multiple passing TDs and Tyreek Hill (15pts) continued to only show up on odd numbered weeks. But lackluster showings from RBs Mark Ingram (7pts) and Alex Collins (4pts) in addition to WRs Mike Evans (1pt) and Nelson Agholor (3pts) and TE Austin Sefarian-Jenkins (2pts) were just too much underachieving for Jeremy to overcome as he could only get together 74 points in this one.

Of course, Nick also had his fair share of underachieving - like a single digit score from supposed RB1 Devonta Freeman (5pts). But who needs running backs when you have WR T.Y. Hilton (35pts!) with his 3rd 150+ yard game of the season? (We won't dwell on the fact that he's been rubbish in the other 6 games he's played in, of course.) Toss in an 18 point showing from WR2 Doug Baldwin, thanks to Jeremy's QB, and 22 points from QB Carson Wentz's ridiculous 3rd four TD game of the season and Nick was able to cobble together one of just two triple digit scores this week. Fun fact: Nick was actually in line to take home both the Strong Like Abe & Pitcher awards this week until the Detroit D (7pts) let Green Bay score a TD with no time left of the clock, dropping Nick's levels just enough to let Tim have all the hardware.

Nick draws a favorable matchup against James in week 10, but he'll need to be on his "A" game if he wants to stay in the playoff picture. Jeremy, on the other hand, will have to get back to his winning ways in a fairly even looking matchup with Matt if he wants to get back on the right side of the playoff bubble with just four weeks left in the regular season.

Earl v. Matt

Even though we're technically on the back nine now, we do have one more pretty decent matchup to talk about before we get to the real rubbish.

Matt made Earl sweat in this one, bringing it right down to the wire with big prime time showings from TE Jared Cook (14pts) on SNF and QB Matt Stafford (23pts) and WR Golden Tate (13pts) on MNF. In fact: if usual offensive stalwart LeSean McCoy (2pts) hadn't shat the bed on TNF, Matt probably could've had this one wrapped up. If only. Of course, it also would've helped if Matt had started either WR Robert Woods (22pts) or WR Terrance Williams (16pts): either of whom also could've won him the game. But the only thing those two guys won for Matt this week was the BBB. (And also the small moral victory of going a whole week without landing a player on the IR for the rest of the season!)

But Earl doesn't care how he wins, as long as he wins! See also: that time when Leonard Fournette was a surprise scratch on Sunday morning after being suspended for a team rules violation. Earl noticed that Fournette was listed as "O" instead of "SSPD" and was able to move him to his IR spot so he could pick up fill-in RB TJ Yeldon (4pts). Sneaky. Or, also see also: that time when Earl saw that Andrew's TE Zach Ertz was ruled out of the Eagles' 1pm game and instead of letting Andrew know, Earl decided to pick up Eagles TE2 Trey Burton (10pts) for his own lineup. Did either of those moves really matter? Oh, yeah, that Burton move actually won the week for Earl. Though the 20pts he got from the Saints Defense certainly didn't hurt either. I mostly just wanted to throw him under the bus, though. Because I could. <grin>

The win keeps Earl in 4th place overall, 3rd in the Sweaty Jocks division. He'll hope that his bad karma doesn't negatively affect a week 10 matchup with Kevin that he should totally win.

Matt finds himself in a four way tie for second to last place with Dustin, Eric and the aforementioned Kevin. He'll match up with Jeremy and both hope to improve on his slim chances of being a playoff team while at the same time dashing Jeremy's slightly less slim chances of finishing the season on a high note.

Andrew v. Kevin

Okay, I already let the cat out of the bag on this one in that previous recap - but don't worry, I'm not done with Andrew on this one.

What is it with this Reese boys not starting TEs? Earlier this season, in week 5, Bill saw that TE Rob Gronkowski was ruled out of his matchup against Tampa but decided to leave him in the lineup anyway, instead of dropping a player to pick up a replacement. He went on to barely eek out a win against Jeremy: 75-65. This week, Andrew... maybe didn't see that Zach Ertz was ruled out? Or maybe he just had as much hubris as his big brother and figured he didn't need a TE to win a game? (The world may never know because Andrew's phone allegedly doesn't get text messages on a regular basis.) But it doesn't much matter as he also eeked out a victory with 8 players: 75-62. The main saving grace for Andrew's day was Ertz's Eagle teammate WR Alshon Jeffrey (20pt) who's 2 TD day against the Broncos was clearly his best game of the season. Well, that and the fact that Kevin's stud WR A.J. Green (0pts) is an idiot and got himself kicked out of his game for fighting!

With Green out of the game early and other WR standout Chris Hogan on bye (and injured), Kevin just couldn't get anything going - despite a boost from RB Chris Ivory (10pts) getting the starting nod for Jacksonville with Leonard Fournette in street clothes.

So despite either being an idiot or an asshole (or both?), Andrew finds himself improbably tied for first place heading into his week 10 matchup with fellow firsty Jared. And just like last week when Bill faced Jared - I'm really not sure who I want to lose more. I'm pretty sure I want Kevin to win against Earl, though. You know - so he doesn't quit in the off season like all of the other losers in our league have done in recent years!

Eric v. Dustin

And speaking of losers: Julio Jones scored 13 points for Dustin and Marshawn Lynch scored 17 points for Eric. That's the postive side. The microscopic positive side. Dustin's pathetic 44 point total was, sadly, only the third lowest total of the season - though it was (barely) Dustin's worst showing. However, Eric's equally pathetic 56 point total was (barely) the lowest total for a "winning" team this year. Dustin plays Tim and Eric plays Bill in week 10. Hopefully they both do a better job. Well, hopefully Eric does. Dustin can feel free to lose. That'd be fine, in my totally unbiased opinion.

"Sports."

Week 8

Well that was an interesting week! Who saw Houston v. Seattle being a ridiculously high scoring shootout? Who saw Dallas v. Washington being a complete stinker for both QBs?? Who saw Matt beating Bill?!? Okay, getting ahead of myself, I know. Let's take things one step at a time...

Andrew v. Tim

Another week, another heartbreaking non-win for Tim. Womp womp. But as has also become a habit for Tim - he probably had no business even being in the running for a win in this one! I mean, aside from DeAndre Hopkins (35pts!) racking up 224 yards and a TD on just 8 catches and JuJu Smith-Schuster (30pts) going for 193 yards and a TD on 7 catches - Tim had a whole mess of single digit scorers littering his lineup. (Well, he also had Will Fuller (31pts) with five catches for 125 yards and 2 TDs... on the bench. There's an easy BBB.) So what started off looking like a crushing loss turned into just a regular one. And, I mean, that's a solid consolation prize for getting bumped off the playoff bubble - right?

Andrew rubbed some salt in the wound right from the start when Jerrick McKinnon (20pts) had another big game at 9:30am from London. (Side note - Latavius Murray, whom Tim paid big FAAB bucks for scored three points in that same game.) Then Melvin Gordon (24pts), who was questionable to even play on Sunday, took his first carry 87 yards for a TD. Because obviously. Throw in 17 points for Alshon Jeffrey on just two catches and 15 points for Jamison Crowder (two points shy of his total from the previous six games combined) and it was almost just too good to be true for Andrew. But sadly for the rest of us, it was true.

Andrew improves to 6-2 on the year and moves into a tie for first place in the Sweaty Jocks division - despite the loss of OBJ. He'll hope to keep it up in week nine against Kevin, even though it'll be tougher than normal assignment as both Gordon and McKinnon are on byes. On the flip side, Tim will hope to get back into the win column (and playoff picture) with an easy matchup against a Meinel team that'll also be hit hard by the byes.

Matt v. Bill

But giving hope to the rest of us peons in week 8 was Matt. He came into this matchup with Bill on the heels of yet another abysmal performance, not to mention as a 30 point underdog. And yet despite those long odds, he found a way to hand Bill his second loss of the season!

It wasn't pretty, let's get that straight. Matt had a big fat goose egg from both Terrelle Pryor (duh) and Zach Miller. (Side note: Miller had zero points because he dislocated his knee - causing enough damage to require emergency surgery so he wouldn't need to have his leg amputated! Matt's really stepping it up on this injury game. This marks a third straight week of a player getting a season ending injury on the Islanders' roster.) But a few other players picked up the slack as Shady McCoy (26pts) had his second straight 20+ point week, the Cowboys lackluster D/ST pieced together 21 points in a rainy mess against the Redskins, QB Matt Stafford (19pts) didn't get injured (somehow) and Free Agent add Tyler Lockett (18pts) had his best game of the season.

And Bill? Well, he had a decent week with 93 points. It just wasn't decent enough - despite RB Ezekiel Elliot scoring 28 points. (28 more points than he'll score in any of the next six weeks. <snicker>) Actually, Bill did have some small degree of hope coming into MNF - since he needed 16 points to tie Matt's score and RB Kareem Hunt was projected at exactly 16 points. But those small hopes were dashed as Hunt managed just 6 points and failed to reach 100 yards from scrimmage for the first time all season.

The loss puts Bill in second place for the first time all season, and ironically enough he'll have to face new top dog Jared in week 9... without Zeke, TB12 or Gronk. Needless to say, it's gonna be an uphill climb. And speaking of uphill climbs: Matt has another tough one on his hands as he faces Earl, though he'll get to do it at full strength. (As "full strength" as Matt's team gets, anyway.)

Dustin v. Nick

Okay, last of the top three scoring matchups this week and it's between... Dustin and Nick? No kidding?? I mean, we're used to seeing these teams in high scoring games - but usually just because their opponents score like 120+ points. Well, okay, that still holds true for Nick. But Dustin came out of nowhere and dropped a 127 point bomb on the increasingly hapless Pigskins!

A big part of that, obviously, can be attributed to whatever crack Eric was smoking when he traded QB DeShaun Watson (37pts!) to Dustin for WR Jarvis Landry. Pretty much every commentator out there had Watson pegged for regression - but he hasn't scored less than 20 fantasy points since week 2, so that just may not happen. (So much for selling high!) Dustin also had a pretty shocking 20 points from TE Jack Doyle (far and away his best game of the season) and then another big 19 point score from the KC Defense on MNF just to add insult to injury. That icing on that cake earned Dustin the Strong Like Abe award (proving the two people who voted for him in last week's poll wrong, if nothing else) as well as the Pitcher for his 70 point win.

On the other side of the coin, Nick had... uh... Robby Anderson? His 18 point game against the Falcons was almost the only bright spot on Nick's roster. Well, his starting roster anyway. The three players on Nick's bench who actually scored points (two others didn't play and Torrey Smith only technically played football on Sunday) came just seven points away from matching the total of all nine players on Nick's starting roster. That's about all I need to say about that, I suppose. (Except I'll also go ahead and mention that Nick took home both the 90lb weakling AND the Catcher for this gem.)

The big question for Dustin is - can he keep it up? He draws Eric in week 9, so I want to say odds are looking good. (But we all know never to count on Dustin staying good.) Also looking good are the odds that Nick loses to Jeremy, because math.

Jared v. Earl

Heading to the back nine, we'll actually start with a pretty decent matchup between a first place team... and a team that is probably more deserving of that first place spot.

Yes, Jared won yet another game - despite scoring more than a hundred points in just 1/4 of his games thus far this season. He started out the week with a whopping 28 points from the Baltimore Defense and finished it with a 21 point monster from TE Travis Kelce (his highest fantasy score of the season) on MNF. In between? Nobody scored hire than 13 points. But hey, the aggregate was enough to get Jared his seventh win of the season - so who's complaining?

Well, Earl probably is - for one. He was without stud RB Leonard Fournette due to a bye week and his other stud RB, Le'Veon Bell (12pts), didn't look very studly in an otherwise exciting SNF game between the Steelers and Lions. Much like Bill, Earl looked to have some hope for a change of fortune heading into MNF - with QB Alex Smith yet to play. But Smith only managed a disappointing 13 fantasy points and even those points succeeded in pumping up Kelce's (aka: Jared's) score more than his own.

Earl falls to 4-3-1 on the season and remains in 4th place overall, despite still boasting the largest scoring differential in the league. He'll face Matt, in what should be an easier win, in week 9. Jared, on the other hand, wins his seventh consecutive game - putting him at 7-1-0 on the season and in sole possession of first place after Bill's loss to Matt. He'll try to look a little bit better than average on the score sheet as he faces Bill in week 9.

Jeremy v. Eric

And that brings us a little closer to the bottom of the scoring pyramid with two familiar faces - Eric and Jeremy. I said in last week's recap that this matchup would likely show which of these teams (who both over achieved in week 7) was a contender and which was a pretender. And I guess you could say the results were conclusive? (Even though Jeremy's winning 87 point score would've only beaten three other teams this week.)

Jeremy's RB group seems pretty solid, if not spectacular. Mark Ingram (13pts) continues to look the part of an RB1, despite a slight case of the fumbles. And both Dion Lewis (14pts) and Alex Collins (16pts... on the bench) are looking like absolute steals - after Tim stupidly threw them in as pot sweeteners in his trade for Sammy Watkins. The results from his pass catchers were somewhat less impressive as Mike Evans (6pts) lead the lot and no one else managed more than 2 points. But what does that matter when your QB (Russell Wilson) nets 4 TDs on 452 yards for a whopping 37 fantasy points? Not much.

And speaking of great QB results - Eric had another superb week from the QB on his bench! That's right, in a Sports league streak outmatched only by Jared's winning streak - Eric benched his better QB for a fifth week in a row as Jameis Winston managed one lousy point in the starting spot while Tyrod Taylor put up 16 points where it didn't matter. Eric seems dead set on breaking that streak, however, as he dropped Taylor a couple days later in order to pick up... Jimmy Garoppolo? Ummm... okay. Eric did have a good outing from the Eagles D (22pts), but it was MUCH too little too late for Pepe to salvage... anything.

The loss drops Eric to 2-6 on the season, tied for dead last with James. He matches up fairly evenly with Dustin in week 9 - but we've heard that story before. Jeremy, however, moves to 4-4 on the season with his win and in this highly competitive league that's good enough to put him in the playoff picture! He'll try to continue moving in the right direction with a very winnable matchup against Nick in week 9.

Kevin v. James

And finally, in our other battle for obsolescence, we find two more familiar faces - Kevin and James. Both teams had just two players each that put up a double digit score in their starting lineups, but Kevin had a few more "high" single digit scores and managed to eek out a win. (Though he did likely lose star WR Chris Hogan for several weeks in the process, due to a shoulder injury.) I would go deeper into the stats but I really just can't stomach it. It was 79-58, for crying out loud. That's like finding highlights in a game between the 49ers and the Browns!

The win makes Kevin slightly better than terrible at 3-5 on the season; he'll most likely lose to Andrew in week 9. The loss puts James at 2-6 and back in last place where he belongs. Since he has five of his "starting" players on bye in week 9, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he'll be 2-7 at this time next week - even though he only has to play Tim. We'll see.


Sports?

Week 7

Jinkies, Scoob! Three prime time games in one week that were actually worth watching?? I kid you not! And that Monday night game actually helped a lot of people - either to win their matchup, or just to keep them from being the biggest loser of the week. Both are victories of sorts, I suppose. At any rate - here we go:

Jeremy v. Andrew

Our highest scoring matchup was Jeremy against Andrew. Not a huge shock, right? We've had a good team carry their matchup to highest score despite the weak effort of their opponent before. But wait - JEREMY was the good team this week and ANDREW was the weak effort?! What kind of bizarro world is this we're living in?

Starting his week with 24 points from keeper Tyreek Hill was a pretty decent jumping off point for Jeremy. 18 points from Mark Ingram (in his second consecutive 100+ yard game since Adrian Peterson moved to Arizona) kept things rolling - but wait, the hits just kept on coming! Russell Wilson put up 27 points against the (previously vaunted) Giants defense, Mike Evans put up 14 points (and looked like a first round pick for a change), Tennessee's D put up 14 points (against Cleveland - there's a shock) and, shoot, even Nelson Agholor continued to look like an NFL player with 10 points on MNF. I hate to say it, but this was a complete team victory. And almost none of it was an anomaly.  Jeremy looks to be rounding into a legit contender just in time for a playoff push, kids!

Andrew on the other hand... not so much. He's got a lot of good pieces here, but just about nothing worked for him in week 7 - with just 3 double digit score on his starting roster: Kirk Cousins (21 pts), Zach Ertz (14 pts) and Minnesota D (10 pts). What's worse? 0% of this failure can be blamed on bye week woes, because Andrew had all of his remaining tools available. (Of course, when your bench resources including two extra defenses and one guy who's been a healthy scratch almost the entire season... nah. Let's just let it ride.)

Andrew still remains in second place in his division with a 5-2 record, though with plenty of opportunity for downward mobility. He'll face Tim next week in a game that could either vindicate Andrew's squad... or continue their downward spiral. Jeremy checks in at 3-4 despite his "Strong Like Abe" performance. He'll attempt to validate his new found power against another week 7 overachiever, Eric, in week 8.

Earl v. Tim

Our second highest scoring matchup was... a tie? A stinkin' tie?! Yes, there were seven other teams that Tim and/or Earl could've beaten this week... but they didn't play those guys. Of course, that also means there were 3 teams that would've beaten Tim and/or Earl... and they didn't play those guys either. So in that light, maybe a tie isn't the worst thing that could've happened? (No, Tim really could've used a win to give him some distance from the wrong side of the playoff bubble, truth be told.)

Earl, like Jeremy, got off to a great start on Thursday night. He had both QBs in that offensive exhibition and even though he started the lower scoring option (Alex Smith with 32 points instead of Derek Carr with 34), it was kind of a win/win situation. Things certainly were looking good for Earl and grim for Tim at that point. But when came word on Sunday morning that RB Leonard Fournette wouldn't play due to an ankle injury... things got a little murkier. Then the early games happened and Earl got just one double digit score (Allen Hurns - 12pts) out of seven players. Still, Earl had the lead - tenuous though it was.

Of course, as is the theme of his season, Tim's journey was even more tenuous. He didn't have any players on Thursday night. Then he also had just one of five players in the early games break into double digits. (Alvin Kamara with a whopping 10 points!) It looked like Tim's streak of losing on odd numbered weeks was going to just keep on rolling... but oh, those late games. Rookie TE Evan Engram (12pts) was able to find some room against the Seahawks and the Dallas connection of Dez Bryant (12 pts) and Dak Prescott (32 pts!) ran amok against the hapless 49ers, putting Tim in the lead as time wound down! 

....

Which brings us back to Earl... and fricking Le'Veon Bell. Pittsburgh was up big against Cincinnati, so all they had to do was run the clock out. Which bumped Bell's already high score up just a few points higher to 20 points total. Spoiler alert: it was enough to also get Earl to 92 points and seal the tie, as neither he nor Tim had any SNF or MNF players.

They say that a fantasy sports tie is like kissing one's sister. But I haven't got a sister, so I'll have to take their word for it. (Or maybe Bill or Andrew can chime in on this? You've gotta have some expertise here, right?)

Tim, who has lost a game by one point in addition to recording this tie, will hope for a little bit more decisive score against Andrew in week 8. And Earl? He'll just hope to sneak through another Fournette-less week (due to a bye this time around, not a wonky ankle) in a close matchup with Jared.

Eric v. James

In our third highest scoring matchup we find... Eric and James? Is this a joke? Okay, so this one was actually all Eric's doing, truth be told. James continues to flounder in near obsolescence.

I know that probably sounds harsh, but seriously. Drew Brees (20 pts) was the only player on James' entire roster with a double digits score. No one else had more than 7 points. And that's with just one player (Marvin Jones) on bye. I think it's fair to say that "What's yours is Meinel" is just a place holder for the 2018 season at this point. At least James already has Samaje Perine and Corey Coleman lined up as mediocre keepers so he really doesn't have to pay attention until next July at the earliest. (PS: James takes home the Catcher and the 90lb weakling for this gem, obviously.)

Let's talk about Eric instead, as he finally showed some signs of life in week 7. And what better way to start off than 38 points (!!!) from Amari Cooper on TNF? Cripes. That's just a few points less than 2.5 times his YTD total going into this game. Talk about improvement! Only time will tell if the light bulb has finally gone on or if this was just a big blip on the radar. 18 was the other magic number for Eric's starting lineup as QB Tyrod Taylor, TE Jordan Reed and that annoying Jacksonville Defense all put up 18 points a piece to carry Eric to the easy win. It was such a decent, Pitcher quality win that I won't even mention how Eric managed to leave a higher scoring QB (Jameis Winston - 25pts) on his bench for the fourth consecutive week. Or how he started Green Bay RB Ty Montgomery (0pts) in favor of other Green Bay RB Aaron Jones (22pts). No, we'll let Pepe Silvia have this moment in the sun!

Eric will need some magic to combat having something like 7 guys on bye week (plus Marshawn Lynch suspended) for his week 8 matchup with Jeremy. Both teams really took it to the next level this week - can they keep it up? And while we're on the topic of over-performing: start from that point and then travel to the farthest point away that you can possibly imagine... and there you'll find James and Kevin pretending to have a football contest. I can't wait.

Bill v. Nick

On the back nine this week, we actually find a hundred point score! If that sounds like another grossly uneven matchup, it's because it sure was. Bill (unfortunately) got back into the win column, after a short hiatus thanks to Earl last week, while Nick came one Carson Wentz away from having the worst score in the history of our fake sports league. Captivating!

I would start by telling you how silly it was that Jarvis Landry scored 16 points for Bill just a couple days after he stole him from Eric... but that's kind of besides the point when (fugitive from justice) Zeke Eliott rushes for 147 yards and 2 TDs on 26 carries and then chips in an additional 72 receiving yards and a TD on his only passing target of the game. (44 points, for those counting at home.) After those two idiotic scores, Bill needed just two more points to top Nick this week - which he easily got, despite another week of jarringly mediocre scores (comparatively) from TB12 (15pts) and K.Hunt (11pts).

Meanwhile, as previously mentioned, Nick has Carson Wentz (30pts). And that's about all. (Okay, so Doug Baldwin chipped in 15 points. Big deal.) But check out this list: WR Torrey Smith, WR Eric Decker, TE Austin Hooper, and the New York Football Giants Defense. What do they have in common, you ask? Well, they all scored exactly zero points in Nick's starting lineup. I shit you not. But he still somehow managed to avoid taking home a single negative trophy in week 7. (He remains the only team in the league to have not recorded a single trophy this season - good or bad. But the needle appears to be pointing straight down on this former champion, so it's probably only a matter of time!)

Looking ahead, Bill will get in one more win before his Zeke-less losing streak (hopefully) starts as he faces Matt. (Full disclosure - Bill could probably start just Elliott and still beat Matt.) Nick, on the other hand, appears to be in a dead heat in his matchup with Dustin... for whatever that's worth.

Dustin v. Kevin

And since we're on the topic - I guess we might as well keep talking about Dustin. If we have to. (Side note - how do the most terrible teams in the league seem to keep playing each other every single week?!) Upside: this one was at least a close game. Which, even when low scoring, still ends up being more interesting than a blowout.

Kevin had yet another lackluster week with just two double digit scores in his starting lineup: TE Jimmy Graham (11pts) and The Rams suddenly formidable looking D (16pts) - though he was slightly buoyed by his game day trade acquisitions of RB Chris Ivory (9pts) and WR Devin Funchess. (Who's 4 points weren't exactly amazing, but still four times as many as the 1 point recorded by Davante Adams, whom he shipped away. Quite a blockbuster "collusion" trade, right Bill? Jerk.)

Dustin had one more double digit score heading into MNF: Big Ben (16pts), Julio (15pts) & the Carolina D (14pts). But he still found himself trailing Kevin by 8 points, owing to the fact that he had two players in the Monday night game. LeGarrette Blount (2pts) looked lifeless - but, thankfully for Dustin, Chris Thompson (12pts) did not. His second quarter TD against the Eagles put Dustin up for good - evening these two bottom dwellers out at 2-5 on the season.

Both teams will continue rolling in the slop with other pigs next week: Dustin with Nick and Kevin with James.

Jared v. Matt

Ahh, which brings us to the sloppiest of the slop - Matt and Jared. It's not often that one gets to "win big" with just 80 points, but Jared he was able to do it this week with a 24 point win over Matt.

Both teams sported a sensational RB1: LeSean McCoy (23pts) for Matt and Todd Gurley (22pts) for Jared. But both teams had less than ideal days at QB: Carson Palmer (1pt) - who looked pretty terrible even before he broke his arm - for Matt and Cam Newton (3pts) - who didn't have a broken bone to blame his terrible play on - for Jared. But at least Jared got to rub another terrible trade in an opponents face as a Rodgers-less Jordy Nelson could only muster one point for Matt while Antonio Brown posted 12 for Jared. That, a few other one point scores for Matt and a few other semi-decent scores for Jared were enough to propel the AutoBots to the win and a well (un)deserved 6-1 record.

Fun facts: the 513 total points that Jared's opponents have scored against him this season are second lowest only to the 505 points scored against Earl. However, Jared's 661 points scored are the third highest in the league - outshined by 732 points for Bill (with whom Jared is tied for first place overall) and 701 points for Earl (who finds himself in fourth place overall despite his league best +196 point differential.)

Bonus fun fact, since we're talking about season long scoring: Dustin's -218 point differential is clearly the worst in the league. Even though his points for (493) are only third lowest, his whopping 711 points against are far and away the highest in the league!

Anyways, in the week ahead Jared will be without Todd Gurley due to a bye - so he'll have to come up with some other kind of magic if he hopes to maintain his place in the standings after a tough matchup against Earl. I say that because Earl has a pretty strong team, but also because Matt will obviously lose to Bill and send him to 7-1 this week!

And that, as they say, is a Sports.