Week 7

Jinkies, Scoob! Three prime time games in one week that were actually worth watching?? I kid you not! And that Monday night game actually helped a lot of people - either to win their matchup, or just to keep them from being the biggest loser of the week. Both are victories of sorts, I suppose. At any rate - here we go:

Jeremy v. Andrew

Our highest scoring matchup was Jeremy against Andrew. Not a huge shock, right? We've had a good team carry their matchup to highest score despite the weak effort of their opponent before. But wait - JEREMY was the good team this week and ANDREW was the weak effort?! What kind of bizarro world is this we're living in?

Starting his week with 24 points from keeper Tyreek Hill was a pretty decent jumping off point for Jeremy. 18 points from Mark Ingram (in his second consecutive 100+ yard game since Adrian Peterson moved to Arizona) kept things rolling - but wait, the hits just kept on coming! Russell Wilson put up 27 points against the (previously vaunted) Giants defense, Mike Evans put up 14 points (and looked like a first round pick for a change), Tennessee's D put up 14 points (against Cleveland - there's a shock) and, shoot, even Nelson Agholor continued to look like an NFL player with 10 points on MNF. I hate to say it, but this was a complete team victory. And almost none of it was an anomaly.  Jeremy looks to be rounding into a legit contender just in time for a playoff push, kids!

Andrew on the other hand... not so much. He's got a lot of good pieces here, but just about nothing worked for him in week 7 - with just 3 double digit score on his starting roster: Kirk Cousins (21 pts), Zach Ertz (14 pts) and Minnesota D (10 pts). What's worse? 0% of this failure can be blamed on bye week woes, because Andrew had all of his remaining tools available. (Of course, when your bench resources including two extra defenses and one guy who's been a healthy scratch almost the entire season... nah. Let's just let it ride.)

Andrew still remains in second place in his division with a 5-2 record, though with plenty of opportunity for downward mobility. He'll face Tim next week in a game that could either vindicate Andrew's squad... or continue their downward spiral. Jeremy checks in at 3-4 despite his "Strong Like Abe" performance. He'll attempt to validate his new found power against another week 7 overachiever, Eric, in week 8.

Earl v. Tim

Our second highest scoring matchup was... a tie? A stinkin' tie?! Yes, there were seven other teams that Tim and/or Earl could've beaten this week... but they didn't play those guys. Of course, that also means there were 3 teams that would've beaten Tim and/or Earl... and they didn't play those guys either. So in that light, maybe a tie isn't the worst thing that could've happened? (No, Tim really could've used a win to give him some distance from the wrong side of the playoff bubble, truth be told.)

Earl, like Jeremy, got off to a great start on Thursday night. He had both QBs in that offensive exhibition and even though he started the lower scoring option (Alex Smith with 32 points instead of Derek Carr with 34), it was kind of a win/win situation. Things certainly were looking good for Earl and grim for Tim at that point. But when came word on Sunday morning that RB Leonard Fournette wouldn't play due to an ankle injury... things got a little murkier. Then the early games happened and Earl got just one double digit score (Allen Hurns - 12pts) out of seven players. Still, Earl had the lead - tenuous though it was.

Of course, as is the theme of his season, Tim's journey was even more tenuous. He didn't have any players on Thursday night. Then he also had just one of five players in the early games break into double digits. (Alvin Kamara with a whopping 10 points!) It looked like Tim's streak of losing on odd numbered weeks was going to just keep on rolling... but oh, those late games. Rookie TE Evan Engram (12pts) was able to find some room against the Seahawks and the Dallas connection of Dez Bryant (12 pts) and Dak Prescott (32 pts!) ran amok against the hapless 49ers, putting Tim in the lead as time wound down! 

....

Which brings us back to Earl... and fricking Le'Veon Bell. Pittsburgh was up big against Cincinnati, so all they had to do was run the clock out. Which bumped Bell's already high score up just a few points higher to 20 points total. Spoiler alert: it was enough to also get Earl to 92 points and seal the tie, as neither he nor Tim had any SNF or MNF players.

They say that a fantasy sports tie is like kissing one's sister. But I haven't got a sister, so I'll have to take their word for it. (Or maybe Bill or Andrew can chime in on this? You've gotta have some expertise here, right?)

Tim, who has lost a game by one point in addition to recording this tie, will hope for a little bit more decisive score against Andrew in week 8. And Earl? He'll just hope to sneak through another Fournette-less week (due to a bye this time around, not a wonky ankle) in a close matchup with Jared.

Eric v. James

In our third highest scoring matchup we find... Eric and James? Is this a joke? Okay, so this one was actually all Eric's doing, truth be told. James continues to flounder in near obsolescence.

I know that probably sounds harsh, but seriously. Drew Brees (20 pts) was the only player on James' entire roster with a double digits score. No one else had more than 7 points. And that's with just one player (Marvin Jones) on bye. I think it's fair to say that "What's yours is Meinel" is just a place holder for the 2018 season at this point. At least James already has Samaje Perine and Corey Coleman lined up as mediocre keepers so he really doesn't have to pay attention until next July at the earliest. (PS: James takes home the Catcher and the 90lb weakling for this gem, obviously.)

Let's talk about Eric instead, as he finally showed some signs of life in week 7. And what better way to start off than 38 points (!!!) from Amari Cooper on TNF? Cripes. That's just a few points less than 2.5 times his YTD total going into this game. Talk about improvement! Only time will tell if the light bulb has finally gone on or if this was just a big blip on the radar. 18 was the other magic number for Eric's starting lineup as QB Tyrod Taylor, TE Jordan Reed and that annoying Jacksonville Defense all put up 18 points a piece to carry Eric to the easy win. It was such a decent, Pitcher quality win that I won't even mention how Eric managed to leave a higher scoring QB (Jameis Winston - 25pts) on his bench for the fourth consecutive week. Or how he started Green Bay RB Ty Montgomery (0pts) in favor of other Green Bay RB Aaron Jones (22pts). No, we'll let Pepe Silvia have this moment in the sun!

Eric will need some magic to combat having something like 7 guys on bye week (plus Marshawn Lynch suspended) for his week 8 matchup with Jeremy. Both teams really took it to the next level this week - can they keep it up? And while we're on the topic of over-performing: start from that point and then travel to the farthest point away that you can possibly imagine... and there you'll find James and Kevin pretending to have a football contest. I can't wait.

Bill v. Nick

On the back nine this week, we actually find a hundred point score! If that sounds like another grossly uneven matchup, it's because it sure was. Bill (unfortunately) got back into the win column, after a short hiatus thanks to Earl last week, while Nick came one Carson Wentz away from having the worst score in the history of our fake sports league. Captivating!

I would start by telling you how silly it was that Jarvis Landry scored 16 points for Bill just a couple days after he stole him from Eric... but that's kind of besides the point when (fugitive from justice) Zeke Eliott rushes for 147 yards and 2 TDs on 26 carries and then chips in an additional 72 receiving yards and a TD on his only passing target of the game. (44 points, for those counting at home.) After those two idiotic scores, Bill needed just two more points to top Nick this week - which he easily got, despite another week of jarringly mediocre scores (comparatively) from TB12 (15pts) and K.Hunt (11pts).

Meanwhile, as previously mentioned, Nick has Carson Wentz (30pts). And that's about all. (Okay, so Doug Baldwin chipped in 15 points. Big deal.) But check out this list: WR Torrey Smith, WR Eric Decker, TE Austin Hooper, and the New York Football Giants Defense. What do they have in common, you ask? Well, they all scored exactly zero points in Nick's starting lineup. I shit you not. But he still somehow managed to avoid taking home a single negative trophy in week 7. (He remains the only team in the league to have not recorded a single trophy this season - good or bad. But the needle appears to be pointing straight down on this former champion, so it's probably only a matter of time!)

Looking ahead, Bill will get in one more win before his Zeke-less losing streak (hopefully) starts as he faces Matt. (Full disclosure - Bill could probably start just Elliott and still beat Matt.) Nick, on the other hand, appears to be in a dead heat in his matchup with Dustin... for whatever that's worth.

Dustin v. Kevin

And since we're on the topic - I guess we might as well keep talking about Dustin. If we have to. (Side note - how do the most terrible teams in the league seem to keep playing each other every single week?!) Upside: this one was at least a close game. Which, even when low scoring, still ends up being more interesting than a blowout.

Kevin had yet another lackluster week with just two double digit scores in his starting lineup: TE Jimmy Graham (11pts) and The Rams suddenly formidable looking D (16pts) - though he was slightly buoyed by his game day trade acquisitions of RB Chris Ivory (9pts) and WR Devin Funchess. (Who's 4 points weren't exactly amazing, but still four times as many as the 1 point recorded by Davante Adams, whom he shipped away. Quite a blockbuster "collusion" trade, right Bill? Jerk.)

Dustin had one more double digit score heading into MNF: Big Ben (16pts), Julio (15pts) & the Carolina D (14pts). But he still found himself trailing Kevin by 8 points, owing to the fact that he had two players in the Monday night game. LeGarrette Blount (2pts) looked lifeless - but, thankfully for Dustin, Chris Thompson (12pts) did not. His second quarter TD against the Eagles put Dustin up for good - evening these two bottom dwellers out at 2-5 on the season.

Both teams will continue rolling in the slop with other pigs next week: Dustin with Nick and Kevin with James.

Jared v. Matt

Ahh, which brings us to the sloppiest of the slop - Matt and Jared. It's not often that one gets to "win big" with just 80 points, but Jared he was able to do it this week with a 24 point win over Matt.

Both teams sported a sensational RB1: LeSean McCoy (23pts) for Matt and Todd Gurley (22pts) for Jared. But both teams had less than ideal days at QB: Carson Palmer (1pt) - who looked pretty terrible even before he broke his arm - for Matt and Cam Newton (3pts) - who didn't have a broken bone to blame his terrible play on - for Jared. But at least Jared got to rub another terrible trade in an opponents face as a Rodgers-less Jordy Nelson could only muster one point for Matt while Antonio Brown posted 12 for Jared. That, a few other one point scores for Matt and a few other semi-decent scores for Jared were enough to propel the AutoBots to the win and a well (un)deserved 6-1 record.

Fun facts: the 513 total points that Jared's opponents have scored against him this season are second lowest only to the 505 points scored against Earl. However, Jared's 661 points scored are the third highest in the league - outshined by 732 points for Bill (with whom Jared is tied for first place overall) and 701 points for Earl (who finds himself in fourth place overall despite his league best +196 point differential.)

Bonus fun fact, since we're talking about season long scoring: Dustin's -218 point differential is clearly the worst in the league. Even though his points for (493) are only third lowest, his whopping 711 points against are far and away the highest in the league!

Anyways, in the week ahead Jared will be without Todd Gurley due to a bye - so he'll have to come up with some other kind of magic if he hopes to maintain his place in the standings after a tough matchup against Earl. I say that because Earl has a pretty strong team, but also because Matt will obviously lose to Bill and send him to 7-1 this week!

And that, as they say, is a Sports.