Week 5

Wow. The week of the QB! So many high scoring passers in week 5 - it's a shame ESPN doesn't let us have a 2 QB league. Maybe then more than two teams would've broken 100 this week. Let's wade through the crap.

"Kevin" v. Tim

Once again, the two highest scoring teams in a given week ended up playing each other. Timing is everything. Tim wishes he had some.

Truth be told, Tim probably shouldn't have been at the point where Monday night mattered so much. After the 4 o'clock games ended, things were looking pretty grim. Sure, Dak (28 points) and Dez (11 points) had good a day. But Evan Engram (0 points) and Jay Ajayi (6 points) left much to be desired. All tolled - Tim needed 51 points to beat "Kevin" with just three players left to play. Fat chance, right? Oh wait, no, the Houston Texans are still ridiculous. DeAndre Hopkins (23 points) and Will Fuller (22 points) made the most of their wunderkind rookie QB (and a bunch of garbage time) and suddenly - Tim was just 5 points away from a tie; 6 points away from a win. 27, 4, 0, 28. Those numbers are, in order: How many dollars Tim paid for Latavius Murray, how many points Murray scored, he many dollars Tim would've had to pay for Jerrick McKinnon and how many points that jerk scored. Yup. Tim fell just one point short of beating the one team who scored more than him.

"Kevin", on the other hand, didn't wait until the last minute to put his points up. He started off on Thursday night with a big 13 point showing from Chris Hogan (whom he, rather ironically, obtained from Tim earlier in the season). Then AJ Green (28 points!) scored a 77 yard TD not ten minutes into his early game. (He'd finish the day with 189 total yards.) And, finally, Davante Adams (18 points) showed he was none the worse for wear from his concussion when he dropped two TDs on the Cowboys in the 4pm game. Thus answering the question, yes, you can win with just stud WR's and not really any remarkable RBs. (And also: yes, "Kevin" can win a game. At all.)

"Kevin" has posted two strong weeks in a row now and will look to keep it rolling against sitting duck Eric in week 6. Tim will also look to continue his high scoring ways against a (potentially) tougher opponent in (almost undefeated) Nick. Odds of either/both of those happening are slim.

Jared v. Eric

Our second highest scoring matchup was another close one, with Eric losing by just seven points. Unfortunately, thanks to injuries and bye weeks - there just weren't many points to be found - even on his bench. Oh, wait - there was DeShaun Watson (33 points) who broke 30 points for the second consecutive week! I mean, sure, Jameis Winston (18 points) also scored 30 points last week... and he was matched up against the hapless Pats secondary! Nah, who cares. Hindsight is always 20/20 in this league and this was the move that cost Eric the game. But I will give him a big up for picking up (Ty Montgomery replacement) Aaron Jones (20 points) - who left Jamaal Williams in the dust for the lead/backup RB role in Green Bay. And that Jacksonville Defense, brah! 27 points?! That brings them up to 83 points on the season and makes them the second highest scoring player on Eric's team... behind DeShaun Watson. (Couldn't resist.) I'm sure everyone who rejected a terrible trade offer from Eric this week that included DeShaun Watson feels sorta bad now anyway, right? Sorta.

Jared actually has a similar week as far as where his points came from. Waiver add QB Cam Newton (25 points) posted his second straight big score and the Baltimore D (16 points) did exactly what everyone thought they would against EJ Manuel. Jared also got 17 points from recently acquired WR Antonio Brown, but the guy who put him over the top was... Mike Wallace? Yup. That Mike Wallace. His 15 points were enough to get Jared over the top. (Which was a lucky turn, because RB Todd Gurley (3 points) shat the bed against a legit defense just like everyone named Tim said he would.)

Jared will take the win and run, though, as it puts him at 4-1 on the season and tied for first in the Athletic Supporters division. He'll most likely keep heading in the right direction against Jeremy in week 6. Eric, on the other hand, falls to 1-4 on the season - tying him for LAST place in the same division. He'll face his terrible record twin "Kevin" - so at least one of the two will end up being a little less terrible by this time next week.

Nick v. Matt

Okay, let's address the elephant in the room: Nick scored 96 and Matt scored 69. <snicker>

Now that we have that out of the way. Matt left 19 points on his bench from a Carolina player for the second week in a row. Last week it was Devin Funchess (11 points this week). This week - TE Ed Dickson racked up a just plain stupid 175 yards against a generally solid Detroit D. Matt could've used those points on his starting lineup - although it still wouldn't have gotten him to the win. So I guess it's a moot point. Other than Funchess, Matt's only other starting player to score double digit points was QB Aaron Rodgers with 19. But on the up side - it looks like his man-crush Jordy Nelson (8 points) might not be too seriously banged up, even though he sat out for most of the 4th quarter against the Cowboys on Sunday. Silver linings or something?

Nick was flirting with a 100+ point score before Stefon Diggs (0 points) failed to show up on Monday night. He got close thanks to the brilliant tactical move (ie: all of his other players were on bye weeks) of starting Carson Wentz (34 points!) and Torrey Smith (16 points) against the generally well regarded Arizona Defense. (Hey, even a blind squirrel finds a nut some days!) Another big day (177 yards) from TY Hilton also helped out, as did 15 points from free agent find RB/WR Duke Johnson. And, luckily for Nick, that's all the help he would need to down Matt and move to 4-1 on the season.

Nick will hope for a little more full team involvement in week 6 as he meets up with (allegedly) high scoring Tim, while Matt will hope to get an okay RB to fill in for LeSean McCoy's bye week if he wants to beat Andrew. Or win another game. Ever.

Andrew v. James 

Hey, here's a shocker for you: James lost another one! Okay. Not so shocking. Not especially when you consider (marginal starter) Brandon Marshall put up just one point before leaving his game with a season ending ankle injury. Eli Manning (10 points) had to play the whole game but probably wishes he had a season ending ankle injury! (Which is really weird - because James' awesome draft app told us all we should draft Manning because he's really good...) Besides Eli the terrible, James had just two other players who (barely) put up double digits scores - WR DeSean Jackson (12 points) and TE Hunter Henry (10 points). There isn't much else to say here, I guess. About the best thing that James could do with his season at this point is trade for a couple decent keepers and give Drew Brees to a team that actually has a chance to contend. (Is that too harsh?)

Andrew got the win, but in doing do was faced with quite an inglorious ending to Odell Beckham's (18 points) four year tenure with his team as he ALSO suffered a season ending ankle injury against the Chargers. (Friendly reminder: OBJ is not eligible to be kept for next year's draft - that's why Andrew dropped him!) Andrew also got a huge week from Melvin Gordon (29 points) and he didn't get hurt (yet) - but it looks like Carlos Hyde (1 point) and Matt Breida (6 point) might be headed toward the dreaded "committee" approach, so they may not be able to be counted upon for consistent point production anymore. Will Andrew still have enough "depth" to keep up his winning ways going forward? I'd be kinda surprised... but stranger things have happened. (See what I did there?)

What would NOT be strange, actually, is expecting Andrew to beat Matt - even if he only starts 7 players in week 6. What WOULD be strange, on the other hand, is expecting James to get another win - even though he only has to play Dustin.

Earl v. Dustin

Which leads me directly to: another week, another loss for Dustin. And, once again, he would've lost even if his opponent had only started 2 RBs. Last week it was Bilal Powell and Todd Gurley. This week it was Leonard Fournette (35 points!) and Doug Martin (13 points).

On the up side for Dustin: WR Michael Crabtree (15 points) showed back up on the scoring sheet (even with EJ Manuel at QB) and WR Jarvis Landy (12 points) put up his first double digit score of the season. On the down side: everything else. Literally. I'm not even gonna waste time talking about it.

As for Earl, other than the two players already referenced... well, he didn't have much else going for him either.  I mean, he did drop Philip Rivers (20 points) and Andy Dalton (17 points) to waivers and picked up Carson Palmer (13 points) for a starting QB instead. That's good, right? Okay. Not really. (But it was better than the 2 points Dustin got out of Big Ben!)

Earl had better hope that QB Derek Carr is able to come back from his broken back in time for his week 6 matchup against Bill if he wants to have any chance of maintaining this year's renaissance. Dustin, meanwhile, only has to play James - which means he'll probably only have to score like 60 points to win. Although that may not be as easy as it sounds if Julio Jones' hip keeps him on the bench this weekend. Good times. 

Bill v. Jeremy

And that brings us to the bottom of the barrel, where we find (not surprisingly) Jeremy and... Bill?!! What the what?! Is this a misprint? I mean - Bill has scored 100+ points in every week of the season up until now! Are you legitimately telling me he could only manage 75 points in week 5?? Yes. Gloriously, yes.

For those curious how to best almost sabotage yourself, here's a brief primer:

Step 1) Don't start a full lineup.

No matter how awesome your team is, intentionally putting a zero on your score sheet is never a good idea, kids. Rob Gronkowski was a late scratch on Thursday night, but instead of trading or dropping some of his bench "assets" to pick up a replacement - Bill decided to just do without a TE. And even though Danny Amendola (12 points) saw an uptick in targets with Gronk out, the mighty TB12 saw a downtick in his production - throwing just one TD whilst also throwing an INT and fumbling once. Glorious.

Step 2) View your RB game as infallible.

Part of the reason why Bill probably felt good about taking a goose egg in the TE column is that he has the #1 and #4 RBs in the league. Unfortunately, since he's started playing legit defenses - Kareem Hunt (12 points) has kinda fallen back to earth a little bit. And, though many of us would give our left arm to have a RB who scores 14 points on an "off day", Ezekiel Elliott (14 points) has also looked relatively just "pretty good" in all but one of his games this season. (Karma?) Oh, and also - Bill started Ameer Abdullah (3 points) instead of Marshawn Lynch (11 points). Don't trust Ameer Abdullah. Ever. He'll let you down.

Step 3) Believe that your inconsistent WR corps is suddenly gonna become consistent.

Bill knew that his group of WRs would probably be an Achilles heel this season. I mean, waiting until the 4th round of the draft to take your first one is a bad place to start. Especially when you lose two of those shallow pool members (Allen Robinson and Cameron Meredith) before the first week is even over. But then sitting on seven startable RBs instead trading one or two of them for a decent WR (or two)? Well, it may not be a new strategy for Bill, but that doesn't make it a good one.

Step 4) Play someone other than Jeremy.

Fortunately for Bill - he did not do step 4!

Jeremy had actually showed signs of rising to the occasion during the early games, but in the end he fell flat (like usual). QB Russell Wilson (7 points) ended a two week streak of strong games with a stinker against an LA Rams team that had just allowed three passing TDs to a similar QB (Dak Prescott) the week before. RB Mike Gillislee (5 points) failed to find the endzone for a third consecutive week. (Which is a bad thing for a TD dependent RB, incase you didn't know.) And Sammy Watkins... wait... anyone seen Sammy Watkins? (Maybe he's hanging out with Dustin?) Well, Jared Goff didn't - that's for sure! Watkins was targeted just four times and didn't catch a single one of those balls - good for a big fat zero, which basically erased Bill's mistake of not starting a TE.

On the upside, Jeremy did had the Miami defense (23 points) - who were set to face Tennessee backup Matt Cassel in a surefire... just kidding, he didn't start them. He started the Tennessee D (12 points) who, although facing the dreadful Jay Cutler, had previously posted two straight weeks of negative point totals. Strong move. Had he made a different choice, Jeremy would've given Bill his first loss of the season. Sigh.

Looking forward to week 6 - hopefully both of these guys will make some better decisions. Well, hopefully Jeremy does at least. If he could beat Jared - that'd be pretty great. But I'd actually be totally okay if Bill wanted to not start a full lineup again and let Earl beat him. Not that I'm biased and want to see him fail. I'm an impartial commissioner, after all. <snicker>

Sports.