Week 6

Ding dong, the bitch is dead! (Get it? It's a play off of the Wizard of Oz - except I said "bitch" instead of "witch". Oh, and I'm referring to Bill. Calling him a bitch. But he's not actually dead. He just lost one game. Still, you know, it's the little victories that mean the most. Anyway.)

Earl v. Bill

It was bound to happen sometime, and week 6 was that sometime. Earl did what Jeremy was only able to threaten in week 5 and finally gave Bill his first loss of the season. In fairness, Earl didn't exactly have his work cut out for him as the previously invulnerable looking Bill only managed to put up 75 points for the second straight week. The low score could partially be blamed on what we all hope will happen for six more weeks at SOME point this season - Zeke being out of the starting lineup. (This week it was just a bye, not criminal justice.) But Bill also only had three players post double digit scores: Gronk (20 points), TB12 (16 points) and the artist formerly known as Kareem Hunt (10 points). The rest of his starting scrubs were only able to total up 29 points - exactly two less than the New Orleans D scored for Earl! Ouch. And yet, despite all this terribleness, Bill was somehow able to escape taking home even a single negative trophy. Lame.

As for Earl, getting 31 points from your D is a good way to start your day. But then again ,so is getting a combined 64 points from your starting RBs: LeVeon Bell (26 points), Leonard Fournette (24 points) and Doug Martin (14 points). To make matters even more frightening for the rest of us - Earl also had the corpse of Adrian Peterson on his bench with 27 points! And speaking of corpses, Larry Fitzgerald woke up with 20 points after another two week hiatus from the big boy score sheet. Outside of those notables, Earl didn't have a whole lot else going on. But as it turns out, having a few misfires in your starting lineup doesn't much matter when your 5 good players score 40 more points than your opponent's whole team and Earl STILL takes home the Strong Like Abe with 136 points. If keeps up this high level of play, he'll be back where he belongs (third place) at the end of the season for sure!

Looking ahead: Earl will face the ever mercurial Trash Pandas in week 7 while Bill will hope to score at least 76 points against the Pig Skins - just to prove he's trending in the right direction.

Jared v. Jeremy

Our second highest scoring bought was another close game for Jeremy that he, of course, managed to lose anyway. On the up side: Mike Evans (15 points) scored his third TD of the season. On the down side: Mike Evans apparently only scores TDs on even numbered weeks. On the flip side: Tyreek Hill (6 points) seems to only put up double digit scores on odd numbered weeks. On the... okay, I'm gonna stop that now. Jeremy did benefit from Mark Ingrams 27 point outburst in his first week as the clear early down back for the Saints. But in the end, RBP's week rested on the shoulders of the Titans D who were NOT able to put up the 19 points they would've needed to steal a win from Jared on Monday night.

And speaking of Jared - I'm not gonna lie, I was actually confused how he cobbled together 94 points this week when I looked at his box score. (But I added it up, and the math seems correct.) I mean, 26 points from Antonio Brown is nothing to sneeze at. (PS: Even though Big Ben hasn't quite looked himself - at least he's still on the field. Meanwhile, Jordy Nelson has a guy who's never started an NFL game throwing to him for the rest of the season. Moral of the story: NEVER TRADE WITH JARED.) <clears throat> Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh right, Jared's few good players. Right. His other trade robbery, Todd Gurley, was able to put up 13 points against Jacksonville - though when a guy has been putting up numbers in the 20's and 30's I think it's fair to say he ONLY put up 13 points. And that no good, piece of trash bum that Tim is still mad about (Cam Newton) put up 18 points in a game that was also off his pace of recent weeks but still pretty decent. Other than those three, everyone else in Jared's starting lineup was in the single digits. But apparently high enough single digits to get him the win, so who's counting? (Besides me. I'm always counting.)

Looking forward to week 7. Jeremy faces a top tier team for the third straight week as he matches up with Andrew. Maybe THIS will be the week he pulls of a big upset? (But probably not.) Jared, on the other hand, has an easier matchup against... wait a minute... Jared is projected for less points than Matt? Yikes. Maybe he better hope that math is off too.

Andrew v. Matt

Matchup number three improbably includes the aforementioned Matt. Not because of anything he did, of course. It was all Andrew pumping up this score!

After a pretty disappointing first 2 weeks of the season, Stranger Things QB Kirk Cousins (28 points) looks to be at full speed and not slowing down anytime soon. He can wave to Melvin Gordon (26 points) as they cruise along, because outside of one down week against Philly in week 3 - Gordon has been on fire himself. Shoot, even Carlos Hyde (18 points) went ahead and dispelled those rumors of a time share in San Fran with a big week 6. Maybe he'll keep it up too - until he gets hurt. But EVEN THEN, Andrew had Jerrick McKinnon waiting on the bench with 20 points. (Because doesn't everyone spend $20 FAB on a player and then bench them?) It's almost like Andrew just wanted to say, "Odell who?" with this win. (But we all know he still cries a little bit every time he hears his name.)

As for Matt... oh geez. I don't even know where to begin with this train wreck. I mean, I guess you have to lead off with probably losing QB Aaron Rodgers (Ze-ro points) for the rest of the season with a broken collar bone. And that certainly can't mean good things ahead for recently acquired WR Jordy Nelson (6 points). Then there's TE Ed Dickson, who followed up his 19 point week 5 with... 3 points in week 6? Eww. But hey, at least you can count on Devin Funchess to score a TD! Oh. No? Just three points for him too? Cripes. I don't know what to say. Let's just cling to the one silver lining: Golden Tate (16 points) had his best score of the season and almost had his first 100 yard receiving game. Maybe he's finally breaking out? (Just kidding. He hurt his shoulder and could miss multiple weeks.) Matt takes home the 90 pound weakling AND the catcher this week. So I guess his only real silver lining is that he didn't win more bad things.

According to ESPN's prognosticators: Matt (2-4) is actually a 1.8 point favorite over Jared (5-1) in week 7. Andrew (5-1) is also a favorite over Jeremy (2-4) - but only by 9.6 points. I'll go on record as saying I'll be shocked if either of those predictions is correct - although for vastly different reasons!

James v. Dustin

The participation ribbon for closest matchup of the week goes to the six points margin between these two losers. (No, really, they were both 1-4 coming into the week - so it's okay to call them losers.) But with 86 and 80 points respectively, it was nowhere close to as embarrassing as it could've been!

James had four players with (barely) double digit scores - including Drew Brees (11 points) who put up his worst score of the season, despite the fact that his game's final score was 52-38! At least one member of James' team benefited from that rout, though, as Marvin Jones scored 14 points in his first double digit game of the season. Jordan Howard (17 points) also had a fine return to form against the lackluster Baltimore run defense to buoy James' score to a level just above mediocre, which was all he needed to move out of the league basement... for the time being.

And while we're on the topic of mediocre - there's Dustin! His slightly more mediocre score also boasted four double digit contributors: newly acquired QB DeShaun Watson (15 points), free agent gold Chris Thompson (14 points), the surprisingly decent Michael Crabtree (11 points) and some guy named Kenny Still (10 points). The most notable double digit score for Dustin, however, came from Derrick Henry - who put up 25 points on Monday Night football... from the ASD bench. Womp! (Sure, he did previously put up consecutive goose eggs in weeks 4 and 5, but still.) So while Dustin couldn't take home his second win of the season - he could at least take home his second BBB trophy! (A league leading 9th negative trophy, FYI.)

In week 7 - James would probably gladly settle for mediocre again as he faces a just plain bad Pepe Silvia team. The bad news for James is that he's currently listed as an underdog, even though his opponent is 1-5 on the season. Elsewhere, another 1-5 team (Dustin) is also a favorite in a matchup with a 2-4 team (Kevin). Captivating action, kids!

Tim v. Nick 

Just as it wasn't Matt's fault that his match was a top scorer, it wasn't Tim's fault that his match was a low scorer. That blame falls squarely on the formerly first place shoulders of Nick. Outside of the Giants D, who put up a pretty silly 18 points on Sunday Night Football against Denver, Nick had absolutely nothing going this week. Single digits from everyone else except Matt Ryan (10 points), who got a decent score for a TE - but not really for a Super Bowl caliber QB. There was some static from at least one league member (Jared) that Nick was going to rally after his big defensive showing on Sunday night. But Eric Decker (8 points) and T.Y. Hilton (1 point) didn't quite come anywhere close to the 49 points they would've had to score in order for that bold prediction to pan out. <eye roll>

On Tim's side of the tape - Jay Ajayi (15 points) looked like an NFL running back for a change! And Christian McCaffrey (14 points) looked like maybe he won't be a complete waste of a third round pick! And even though his TD streak is bound to end at some point, Will Fuller (15 points) scored a TD for his third week in a row! If everything went wrong for Nick, (almost) everything went right for Tim. You know - except for that 2 point bomb from Terrell Pryor, of course. (But we won't talk about that, because it might make Matt feel bad for trading for him a couple days later.) Tim moves to 3-3 and is well on pace to finish 6-7, since he apparently can't win on odd numbered weeks.

A trend that actually looks pretty spot on to continue as Tim faces the suddenly blazing hot Earl in week 7. Nick on the other hand has lost two of his last three (since Dalvin Cook was injured) and will need some magic (and to start Carson Wentz) against Bill if he wants to stop the bleeding anytime soon.

Kevin v. Eric

Ah, the bottom. How apropos that we find our other couple of losers all the way down here. At least 69 to 51 is truly a terrible score to go along with the records here. We can talk about it for a second, I guess. If we have to.

Eric finally found a trade partner to take DeShaun Watson off his hands in the early part of week 6, so of course Jameis Winston (2 points) had a stinker and also got injured in the ensuing weekend. Michael Thomas (1 points) managed just 3 receptions for 11 yards in a ridiculously high scoring game in the Big Easy. Amari Cooper (2 points) continued to spin his wheels even with Derek Carr back at QB in Oakland. There were some bright spots, but I don't want to talk about them and ruin the feel of this recap.

Kevin did a little better, but not by much. He won because the LA Defense (17 points) played against Blake Bortles. That's pretty much the long and short of it. Davante Adams (11 points) managed a double digit score despite Aaron Rodgers' injury. In fact: he did all of his damage after Rodgers had already left the game. So I guess that's a hopeful sign for the weeks to come? Maybe. But Andre Ellington put up a goose egg, James White could only manage 4 points and alleged RB1 Lamar Miller topped out at 8 points - so RB continues to be an obvious weakness for the artist formerly known as Fenstermacher. Kevin somehow moves to 2-4 anyway and is theoretically still trending in the right direction in the standings, even if not on the stat sheet.

Kevin will hope for another win against Dustin, even though it probably doesn't matter. Dito for Eric vs. James. Look for their names in this same general area of the recap next week.

Sports?