Playoff Round 2

Jared v. Andrew

Our highest scoring Semifinal matchup was a sort of misleading score, really.

Jared had just three players put up double digit scores - but he managed to get to 120 points (117 + home field bonus) anyway. QB Cam Newton (29pts) threw four TDs against the pitiful Green Bay defense. The Baltimore D (22pts) had two INTs, two fumble recoveries, scored a TD and allowed just 10 points to the (still winless) Cleveland Browns. And last, but certainly not least, RB Todd Gurley (46pts?!) rushed for 152 yard and 3 TDs plus tacked on an additional receiving TD on one of just three passes he caught against the usually stalwart Seattle Defense. He couldn't quite have beaten Andrew with only those three players - but he came awful close. Luckily the other scrubs that make up this improbable #1 seed scored enough small amounts to put him over the top. But, on the downside, Jared lost two WRs to injuries that will keep them out next week: Antonio Brown & Marquise Lee. That's not gonna make it impossible to win the one more game he needs to win to take home the crappy trophy - but it's gonna make it harder, that's for sure!

For Andrew's part, he tried valiantly to make his way to a second straight Sports championship. A big day from RB Melvin Gordon (22pts) was great - but a less than big day from RB2 Carlos Hyde (3pts) wasn't so great. Too bad RB Jerrick McKinnon (15pts)was on the bench instead of in the starting lineup! Oh, and there's also that matter of starting QB Kirk Cousins only scoring 14pts while backup QB Jameis Winston scored 23pts on the bench. Those points sure would've been nice - wouldn't they? But I guess the real "too bad" moment was Andrew WR Kelvin Benjamin (2pts) instead of TE Greg Olsen (19pts). Because we can play math problems all day, but if he'd reversed just this one decision we'd be talking about how he squeaked out a one point win over Jared instead of how he took a 16 point loss to (basically) three players. Womp womp.

Jared, sadly, moves on the final to face the winner of.....

Bill v. Earl

Oh hey, another matchup where one team only had three players in double digits!

But unfortunately for Earl, even though QB Nick Foles (seriously) put up 24 points and RB Le'Veon Bell put up 23, he couldn't quite keep up the same level of overachieving we saw with Jared - as his third player (WR Brandin Cooks) only put up 12 points. The rest of Earl's team wasn't really even close; and it wasn't even as if he had lots of reserves on the bench - with only TE Ben Watson (13pts) outscoring a player in the starting lineup. So I guess at least Earl doesn't have to kick himself for making poor decisions like Andrew? Sure! That's one way to look at it!

For his Part, Bill did get a little bit further about the mediocrity line - even if having 5 players in double digits is really only slightly more awe inspiring than 3. Fortunately, one of those players for Bill was RB Kareem Hunt (34pts): who didn't quite put up a Gurley-esque score, but still managed 2 TDs on over 200 yards from scrimmage for his second highest week of the season. A pair of matching 20's from TE Gronk and the Minnesota D were also pretty nice and helped take the sting out of WR Keenan Allen (5pts) breaking his 4 week double digit streak. It all adds up to Bill winning his freaking 5th SLA of the season with this 128 point week. And, sadly, Bill looks to be in the catbird seat - despite losing RB Rex Burkhead (7pts) for next week's championship. (Apparently he gets some guy called "Zeke" back for that game anyway? Gross.)

Yes, that's right kiddies. For those with poor reading comprehension - let me break the bad news to you in plain English: our championship will be the 2 "best" teams in the league this season. Gee. How exciting. Wheee.

Earl and Andrew will battle it out for third place to see who gets their money back, at least. The rest of us will be forced to hope for maybe one last SLA as a table scrap since Bill is already taking home $30 for scoring the most points this season (by almost a 100 point margin over his closest competitor) and he and Jared will divide the rest of the cash somehow or another. Sigh. Sports. I hate your guts.