Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Week 13

Well lads, that's it. It's all over but for the crying now. Some teams barely missed the playoffs while some barely made the playoffs. Some teams have been out of it for a while and some have been all up in it for even longer. And the one thing we all have in common is that only one of us won't be crying or rambling on about "what might have been" at the end of the season. Gosh. That's depressing. Let's change the subject.

Tim v. Bill

Oh, wait, before we change the topic from depressing - we have to reference Bill's two game losing streak heading into the playoffs!

Yes, though we once wondered if Bill would lose any games this season - regression has lately bitten him right in the Scumbags. Is 95 points a bad score? No, of course not! But is it a bad thing when TB12 only scores 5 points and K.Hunt only scores 6? Indeed. Now, this was clearly an anomalous week for Brady. He's had just one other single digit score this season - and that was all the way back in week 1. Hunt, on the other hand - clearly becoming the rule, not the exception. Once regarded as the biggest steal in out draft, The KC RB hasn't scored a TD since week 3 and hasn't posted a double digit fantasy score since week 7! And while some of the pundits say that it's just a matter of time until he has another big day, considering the workload entrusted to him, it's getting harder and harder to buy. Bill better keep his fingers crossed, because I'm not sure anyone is eager to hang their playoff hopes on Rex Burkhead (22pts)! (Although, at least he'll have Zeke available in week 16 to help him win third place!)

Now, on to brighter thoughts: after weeks of wondering whether the Trash Pandas were syncing up at just the right time - week 13 seemed to answer that question with a resounding YES! What team doesn't want to have their best week of the season in their final regular season matchup; a game they must win in order to keep things shiny? I mean... right? Tim's lone misfire this week was WR JuJu Smith-Schuster (1pt) who had a quiet night even before he made an illegal hit and then taunted his incapacitated victim. (The upside for the TPs is that Smith-Schuster was only in the lineup because Michael Crabtree was suspended for illegal activity of his own.) But other than that one little hiccup, it was all double digits for Tim this week - highlighted by the continuing emergence of RB Alvin Kamara (24pts) with his second straight multiple TD game, not to mention his 4th 20+ point game of the season. Also in the 20 point club this week was some guy named Jamaal Williams (20pts) who's scored a score (see what I did there?) in two consecutive weeks now. If you think that Tim just picked Williams up because he had an empty bench spot and all of the other Green Bay RBs were injured at the time - you're absolutely correct. I don't think anybody saw this kind of production coming from Williams, especially after he failed miserably with his first audition as a lead back earlier in the season. But hey, luck is 90% of winning in fake sports - so Tim'll take it!

With the win, the Trash Pandas cements their spot in the post season and move up from the #6 seed to #5 - which means Tim'll face Andrew in the first round of the playoffs instead of Jeremy. (Who ever though that'd be a favorable move?) Bill, despite his failures these past two weeks, still gets a first round bye after winning the Sweaty Jocks division with a record of 9-4. And, truth be told, it couldn't come at a better time since he would've been without Gronk (16pts) - who will be suspended this week because he's an idiot.

Jeremy v. Earl

In what turned out to be a warm up game for their first round playoff matchup, this contest saw Jeremy and Earl both flash and fizzle a little bit. (Jeremy just had a little more flash.)

Earl is no stranger to the fizzle at this point, of course. He's lost four of his last six games and hasn't scored over 100 points since week 6! What's more concerning is that with just three players in double digits this week, I don't know if I can see things turning around any time soon. QB Derek Carr (14pts) was serviceable and RB Leonard Fournette (13pts) saved a lackluster day with a TD to account for 2/3 of that equation. Not surprisingly, RB Le'Veon Bell (25pts) turned it up against hated AFC North rival Cincinnati to complete the trifecta. But instead of winning the week for Earl, Bell just made the loss not quite so bad. Ouch.

(Oh, and I guess this would be the point where I just wouldn't be doing my job as an instigator if I didn't mention that earlier in the week Earl dropped QB Alex Smith (41pts) to pick up QB Tyrod Taylor (0pts). So there. Consider it mentioned.)

Jeremy scored 30 more points than Earl - despite having just one more (4) player in double digits. It just happens that the one additional player was WR Tyreek Hill (38pts). Hill has had an up and down season, but this was definitely an upswing as he dropped 185 yards and 2 TDs on the unsuspecting Jets Defense. And speaking of unsuspecting - who saw WR Nelson Agholor (22pts) putting up 141
yards and a TD against the Seattle D? Even without Sherman and Chancellor, that's still impressive for a guy who's previous high mark for yardage in a game was 93! The bad news is that RB Joe Mixon (3pts) followed up a breakout 24 point performance in week 12 with a stinker against the Steelers... AND landed in the league concussion protocol. The worse news is that WR1 Mike Evans (3pts) is still MIA - failing to post a double digit score since week 7, which is also the last time he scored a TD. But hey, a win's a win - and this win got Jeremy the 3rd seed in the playoffs! This is his  highest regular season finish ever. By far.

(In the interest of shared ridicule, I would also like to point out that had Jeremy started RB Alex Collins (21pts) instead of Mixon and the Miami D (28pts) instead of Philly (2pts) - he would've finished the week with 160 points. And that would've usurped Jared's 156 points in week 4 as the highest score (thus far) of the season. Not starting a Baltimore back instead of a guy who just put up 24 points the week before? Forgivable. Not starting a D against the Broncos instead of a D against the Seahawks? C'mon brah!)

As I mentioned, the win secures the #3 seed for Jeremy while the loss still allowed Earl to squeak into the playoffs as the #6 seed. And that means these two crazy kids are going to go at it again next week... when it really matters! Will Jeremy flash Earl again? Or will Earl flash Jeremy this time? Either way, someone is going to be traumatized by this time next week - that's for certain!

Jared v. James

I feel kind of bad typing "Jared v. James" for this one because it gives the illusion that James actually competed in a contest this week. But seeing as how he didn't even score half of what Jared did - that would be a miscategorization, really.

Yes, James posted 57 points total - which was a resoundingly losing score, obviously. But it was also a full 16 points less than Jared's bench score! (Okay, so that number is overly inflated thanks to the 41 points from QB Alex Smith sitting there. Because Jared picked up Alex Smith after Earl dropped him. And also didn't play him.) Let's just not talk about James' season any more.

Jared, however, is still solidly in the conversation, unfortunately. That's right, just one year removed from finishing the season as our DLL - Jared ends the regular season as the #1 seed with a record of 11-2. Much of that success can be attributed to RB Todd Gurley (15pts), whom Jared now infamously stole from Nick early in the season when all the "experts" kept insisting that Gurley couldn't possibly keep up his high scoring ways. And now, late in the season, WR Antonio Brown (18pts... on the bench), whom Jared infamously stole from Matt, is turning things up; proving that not even turf toe can keep him from having a 100+ yard game. Oh, and who could forget... RB Marshawn Lynch (23pts)? Wait, what? Is this 2010? Did I get stuck in a wormhole? Nope. You read that right. Beast Mode romped on the pitiful New York football Giants for his first 100+ yard game of the season. Plus TE Travis Kelce (21pts) came just 6 yards shy of a 100+ yard game of his own, though he at least kicked in 2 TDs to make it worthwhile. Shoot, even fricking "RB" Tarik Cohen (15pts) took a punt return 61 yards to the house to inflate his score in this one. It was mostly a perfect storm for Jared even though it didn't make a lick of difference to his season. (Note: this 77 point win was pretty impressive - just not quite as impressive as his 98 point win over Dustin in week 4.)

At any rate, Jared is in the cat bird seat; waiting to see which wildcard winner he'll try to be waaaaay luckier than in week 15. (Fun Fact: while his 1278 point for was the second highest total in the league, Jared also had just 928 points scored against him in the regular season. 80 points less than his next closest competitor. No wonder he finished 11-2!)

Oh, and I know I already said we won't talk about the other guy anymore. But FYI - that goes for all the other losers after this recap too. I know the consolation bracket still "means something" - but really, who cares?

Kevin v. Nick

Aha! After a brief diversion to a game that may as well not have even happened - we come back to a matchup that actually mattered! Well, for Nick anyway. All Kevin was playing for in this one was pride... and as it turns out, he had plenty to be proud of as he ruined the last shot the former champ had at a playoff bid.

Now, sure, the final score in this one is actually a little deceptive. Nick lost by 32 points - but both teams had 6 players who only scored single digit totals. Both teams also got 16 points from their QBs (Marcus Mariota and Carson Wentz) and 12 points from a rising young WR (Devin Funchess and Robby Anderson.) The biggest difference, besides the fact that Kevin's single digit scores were mostly 8's and 9's while Nick's were mostly 2's and 3's, ended up being the Defense. The LA Rams scored an impressive 22 points for Kevin while Detroit only managed -3 for Nick. Ouch. That's a pretty damning swing.

Just to reiterate: Kevin killed Nick's season. Because had Nick won, given Earl's loss to Jeremy, the Pig Skins actually would've advanced to the playoffs. But Kevin shut that door - just because he could. Womp womp. These teams drop down to the consolation bracket now. And, again, who cares?

Eric v. Matt

Oh, while we're on the topic of "who cares": this matchup. It meant nothing going in and means nothing coming out. The Cowboys D scored 17 points for Matt and Alfred Morris scored 20 for Eric. There's your highlights. Good year, fellas.

Andrew v. Dustin

And lastly, just barely meaning something, was our lowest scoring matchup. Basically the only thing Dustin could've done with a win is make Andrew the #5 seed instead of #4, thus losing him the 3 point "home field advantage" bonus. But he couldn't even do that much.

I mean, if Dustin had started RB Derrick Henry (21pts) or RB Matt Forte (14pts) instead of RB Jay Ajayi (4pts), WR Julio Jones (2pts) or WR Davante Adams (4pts) he could've done it. But he didn't. So not even some more late game heroics from QB Ben Roethlisberger (16pts) could help this spoiler's cause.

For his part, Andrew had RB Kenyan Drake (23pts). The end.

So Dustin falls off the edge of the world while Andrew postpones his fall off the edge of the world for one more week as he'll make a procedural appearance in the first round of the playoffs against Tim - even though his team hasn't scored more than 90 points in a game since week 8. When he scored 117. And beat Tim. Ohhhhh fuuuuuudge.


Sports.







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