Week 11

So this is officially the time of year when I get tired of typing these recaps. Last week's was viewed a whopping 6 times. That sure sounds like a decent investment of 2-3 hours of my life, doesn't it? Also probably doesn't help that we're officially in the "spoiler" part of the season when teams fail to show up when they need to the most and teams that haven't shown up for most of the season suddenly have break out days - just in time to ruin the fun for people who actually care. You know, hypothetically speaking and all. Anyway, let's see if we can get through this.



James v. Earl

Speaking of bad beats! Nobody has to tell Earl about that this season. Of his five losses, thus far, just one has been by more than 13 points. On top of that, he's now lost two in a row to sub .500 teams that almost certainly won't be making the playoffs: first Kevin (100-67) and now James (106-94).

Of course, we probably should've seen this coming with James. I mean, he did just have an impressive victory over Dustin (86-80... in week 6) and it's not like this is his first time scoring more than 100 points in a week (it is). Say what?! That's right, Sports fans - week 12 of the 2016 season was the last time James had broken the 100 point threshold before this win! So, obviously, he would choose to do so for the first time in 2017 in a pivotal matchup for a suddenly faltering Upper Deckers squad. 

Not that we can necessarily call 94 points by Earl a big failure. If he'd scored that many points against James in literally any other week this season - he would've won the match. Just not today. Even another zero from alleged professional football player Taylor Gabriel (his only double digit score of the year was week 3) couldn't get James off this win, thanks to big days from QB Drew Brees (21pts) and RBs Jordan Howard (20pts) & Latavius Murray (21pts).

For his part, Earl couldn't have made any better roster choices to get himself the win. QB Alex Smith (6pts) had his worst day of the season, just his second time all year scoring in the single digits, and the Saints D (-4pts) looked downright foolish against the Redskins after posting double digits scores in five of their previous seven matchups in 2017. That kind of catastrophic failure couldn't even be buoyed by WRs Adam Thielen (23pts) and  Brandin Cooks (25pts) both enjoying their second best outings of the year.

So what does this mean for Earl? It means the only sure way for him to lock up a playoff spot is to win his final two games of the season, starting with a week 12 matchup against Nick. A loss won't rule him out, but it sure will make things a lot more complicated. And what does this mean for James? Well, just that he made Earl's life more difficult, really - because there's still 0% chance of James making it to the good playoffs. He'll hope to keep playing the roll of spoiler next week as he matches up with another bubble team: The Record Breaking Proffitts.

Bill v. Andrew

Another week, another win for Bill. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Can someone explain to me how someone loses Zeke Elliott from their roster and still manages to score 118 points for the third time this season? It's gotta be voodoo or something. I mean - right?

Having WR Keenan Allen (29pts) record his best game of the season (almost double his previous best) by scoring just his second and third TDs of the season seems like a good place to start. I mean, it's not like he was going against Buffalo - who'd allowed just 4 passing TDs all season prior to this game, right? (Wrong.) Or I could also reference that funny little thing where just as Zeke's suspension started and Bill desperately needed a running back to fill his shoes - Devonta Freeman "happened" to get a concussion and now RB Tevin Coleman (11pts) has scored TDs in consecutive weeks in his place. Of course, both of those examples would be glancing over the fact that TB12 (29pts) hadn't scored three or more TDs since week 3 of the season but now has done so in consecutive weeks - right when it's most important. Ugh. It's looking more and more like the Scumbags are just a team of destiny this year - taking home a league leading 4 SLA's ($20!) thus far and looking basically impervious to the effects of injuries or suspensions.

Andrew on the other hand... maybe not so much. After getting the BBB for sitting RB Kenyan Drake's 18 point score last week, Andrew started him in place of bye week RB Carlos Hyde... and he proceeded to score one lousy point. Which is bad - but not as bad as a big, fat goose egg from TE Zach Ertz as he returned to the Eagles' high scoring lineup after having a bye week to recover from the leg injury that kept him out of week 9's contest. Did QB Kirk Cousins (26pts) have a big day? Sure. But he can't carry this team on his own.

So where does Andrew fit into this playoff picture? Well, he'll be playing in the first round - that's for sure. It's just a matter of whether it's the championship bracket or the consolation bracket. You read that correctly: with a record of 7-4 on the season, Andrew is still not a lock to make the playoffs. Were he to somehow lose out, he could conceivably be bumped from the big show by one of a number of bubble teams. So if Andrew doesn't want Stranger Things to Happen: he needs a win against Eric in week 12. We shall see.

As for Bill, there's no mystery left to his regular season. Even if the Scumbags were to lose out, Bill would still be putting on the Roman War Helmet and taking a first round bye in week 14. So I mean, pretty much he doesn't even need to set his lineup for these next two weeks. He might as well let Dustin and whatever team he happens to be playing in week 13 win, because it doesn't make a difference. At all. Ever.

Dustin v. Matt

And while we're on the topic of Dustin - he proved that when he scores more than 100 points, he wins 66% of the time! Okay, it doesn't sound quite so impressive when you put it like that I guess. How about this: Dustin has won 100% of his games against teams other than Bill when he scores more than 100 points. Yeah. Much better!

Dustin did get the win in week 11, but it came at a big cost as he lost one of our top FA finds of the season when RB Chris Thompson (8pts) went down with a broken leg. The loss was eased somewhat by Dustin's Sunday morning trade acquisition of RB Jay Ajayi (10pts) - and the fact that, even with the win, he's still pretty much mathematically eliminated from the playoffs (with just one win against divisional opponents). Getting more big days from QB Big Ben (26pts) and role playing WRs like Rishard Matthews (22pts) and Kenny Stills (29pts) will help Dustin feel better about himself, but still probably won't get him into the positive side of the post season.

And Matt? Matt is definitely out. Returning to his injurious form, this week Matt saw one of his few bright spots - WR Robert Woods (8pts) - go down with a shoulder injury for a likely multi-week absence. (Bench WR Terelle Pryor also went on IR with an ankle injury - but if a tree falls in the forest... well, you know.) Matt did have big days from (heavily courted trade target) RB LeSean McCoy (26pts) as well as (that guy that Tim was super psyched about but not patient enough with) WR Tyler Lockett (22pts) - who continues to personify the value of return yards as he had just 4 catches for 37 yards but racked up a ridiculous 197 combined punt/kick return yards against Atlanta on MNF. Matt will surely be glad he hung onto both players... as he continues to lose in the regular season and consolation bracket.

Looking forward to week 12, both of these teams will look to scrape together revenge wins: Dustin vs. Bill for that week 2 game when Dustin scored 106 points but still lost, and Matt vs. Tim... for of all the terrible things he's written about him all season.

Jeremy v. Kevin

Can we still call Jeremy an overachiever at this point? I mean, he's fifth in overall scoring this late in the season (not to mention on pace to finish above .500) for the first time since... ever! And this 100+ point game came at just the right time to get Jeremy one step closer to his first ever appearance in the championship bracket.

If you want to know the main catalyst for Jeremy's breakout season, you need look no further than RB Mark Ingram (23pts). With the exception of one off day (week 9 vs. Tampa), Ingram has been nothing short of sensational since the Saints offloaded A.P. - scoring double digits and at least one TD in every other week after that trade. Of course, QB Russell Wilson (27pts) has been nothing to sneeze at either. He's having a bounce back campaign in a major way after a big down turn in 2016, throwing for over 200 yards passing and 2+ TDs in 7 out of 10 games so far this season. (And, yes, it also helps when you grab the Eagles D (24pts) off waivers and they go ahead and tie their highest score of the season the very next game.) It's enough to make a big fat goose egg from the mercurial Nelson Agholor not even matter!

Also helping zeros not matter is when your opponent only scores 63 points. But then again, that's just been the kind of season Kevin has been having in his inaugural year of sports. One week actually getting it together for a win, the next falling apart and losing again. Since winning two straight in weeks 5 & 6, Kevin has lost every odd week and won every even one. So this week 11 tilt was kind of doomed from the start, I suppose. At least two of those losses were potentiated by the continued absence of WR Chris Hogan, though it didn't seem to hurt when he beat Earl by 33 points last week. In spite of solid, if not spectacular, days from QB Marcus Mariota (14pts) & TE Jimmy Graham (13pts) in addition to game day trade acquisitions RB Orleans Darkwa (14pts) & WR DeAndre Hopkins (13pts) - Kevin just got too little from the rest of his team. The loss drops Kevin to 4-7 on the season, making it all but impossible for him to make the playoffs in 2017. (It would require him winning out, at least 4 other teams losing out and maybe an act of congress.)

Looking ahead to week 12 - Jeremy has a winnable matchup against James, which would just about cement that playoff seed for him. (Though as we saw this week, James' team IS capable of big games, so I suppose anything is possible.) Kevin, on the other hand, faces Jared in a matchup that likely won't mean anything for either team - with the possible exception of saving face? (Might be too late for that too, though.)

Jared v. Nick

Another underachieving team this week, not for the first time, was the Pig Skins. Nick has lost every game this season where he's scored less than 70 points... and this loss makes 5. I mean, it would've been a whole other story if Jared didn't have WR Antonio Brown (37pts?!?) and the Ravens D (24pts).  But he did.

Other than the aforementioned monsters, Jared had just two other double digits scores in his starting lineup - a pair of 10s from RB Todd Gurley and TE Travis Kelce. Which makes a 97 point score seem much less underwhelming, when you think about it.

And Nick has two good quarterbacks - Carson Wentz (17pts) and Matt Ryan (15pts) but not much else going for him right now. So, seeing as we're not a 2 QB league, hopefully he can trade one (or both) of them for some other useful players before Wednesday's deadline? Well, you know, only if he wants to make the playoffs and all.

Jared already has made the playoffs and will (improbably) get the Roman War Helmet and a first round bye no matter what happens in his week 12 matchup with Kevin OR his week 13 matchup with James. These matchups are made doubly exciting by the fact that both opponents have little to no hope of making the playoffs. (Maybe they can try for golf scoring just to make it interesting?) Nick, on the other hand, faces Earl in what it just shy of a must win for the 'Skins. Because while he's currently sitting at the #4 seed - Nick could just as easily miss the playoffs if his next two weeks are as pathetic as this one. (That would be almost as embarrassing as trading Todd Gurley for Doug Baldwin!)

Eric v. Tim

And speaking of embarassing: Tim. In what should have been an easy matchup with a 3-7 Pepe Silvia team, Tim managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory - thanks in no small part to what looks like a monumental, if not karmic, collapse for QB Dak Prescott (-5?) since the suspension of Zeke finally took effect. (Oh yeah, plus the fact that the Jacksonville D (28pts) has scored their two highest scores of the year in weeks Pepe Silvia faced the TPs.)

Also not helping was TE Even Engram's (1pt) worst game of the season and the fact that Tim sat the Steelers D (17pts) in favor of streaming the Cardinals (3pts). 19 points from RB Alvin Kamara remains a hopeful sign, but with this loss the Trash Pandas certainly did makes things much harder on themselves as far as the playoffs go. Tim now needs to win AT LEAST one of his last two in addition to getting help from several other teams if he wants to make the positive side of the post season.

Eric, on the other hand, is almost certainly not making the post season. Well, I guess if you're into fiction you could write some sort of narrative where he wins out against Andrew and Matt, while Tim, Jeremy, Nick and Andrew all lose out as well. That'd be cute. But as just two of Eric's four wins have come against division opponents, I'm not even sure he'd win the tiebreaker at that point. And with a starting lineup that managed just one double digit score (the aforementioned JAX D) this week - does anyone really think Eric is gonna take it all home this year anyway? I hope not.

Tim faces Matt in virtual must win this week while Eric, technically, also faces a must win situation against Andrew if he wants his fairy tale ending. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.



And I'm finally finished. Sports.