Week 1

What a terrible, dreadful, disgusting week one.

Tim v. Eric

So it looks like Tim's return yards experiment was a little too experimental. He didn't score half of what Eric did. Yikes. His only double digit starter was QB Cam Newton (13pts). Jimmy Graham didn't score a single point. Oh yeah. Good times. Perhaps the only (sort of) highlight was Kenny Golladay (whom Tim drafted, then dropped, then picked up, then dropped, then picked up again) and his 19 points / 2 TD day. But none of this is enough to overshadow the loss of unquestioned team MVP David Johnson for some or all of the season. For Eric's part, he didn't need to do much to beat Tim. But I don't know if even Eric and his black magic could've predicted that the Jacksonville D (30pts?!) and hurricane fill-in Sam Bradford (26pts?!) were all he'd need to secure the win. It made the 5 points put up by his first pick Demarco Murray and 4 points by keeper Michael Thomas not even seem that bad. For now. Eric takes home the first $5 Strong Like Lincoln award of the year as well as lays claim to the Mark Henry award... for now.

Matt v. Kevin

A tale of two autodrafted teams. One decent turnout, one decent-er turnout. Matt got 20 points out of Antonio Brown (duh) and 17 points out of LeSean McCoy (duh again) but also had enough supporting players to get him to 93 points - almost 20 more than he'd need to down Kevin in their first meeting ever. Matt could've topped 100 points if he'd been dumb enough to start Matt Stafford (26pts) against Arizona instead of Aaron Rodgers (14pts) against Seattle. Oh well, it didn't end up mattering. Kevin, on the other hand, made the most out of the mess Fenstermacher (and/or fate) dealt him. Keeper Marcus Mariota paid off fairly well (17pts) and hurricane fill-in Jason Witten (11pts) was good enough. The RB landscape looks even bleaker now that sort of okay RB2 Danny Woodhead is hurt... again. Kevin better hope for some waiver wire magic!

James v. Earl

After a down season in 2016, it looks like Earl might be back to reclaim his rightful spot as third place finisher! He got bonuses from both Leonard Fournette (20pts) and Adam Thielen (17pts) and coupled with an enormous 30 points from the LA Rams under the new defensive points structure - that was all he'd need to topple a hapless James. James came very close to being the lowest scoring team of the week. He eeked out Andrew by just one point to avoid that honor - though he did take the biggest loss of the week/year. It probably would've helped if he'd not started DeSean Jackson - who's game was postponed due to Hurricane Irma. Though, even if he'd subbed Corey Coleman's 11 points from the bench for Jackson's zero he still would've lost big. (Just not BIGGEST!)

Nick v. Jared

Somehow the schedule gods (ie: randomized) saw fit to have these two former greats square off for the second year in a row. Nick looks like he might be set to return to championship form while Jared... didn't. Nick had a strong day from both his starting QB (Matt Ryan - 20pts) and bench QB (Carson Wentz - 21pts), as well as a matching pair of 15's from RBs Todd Gurley and Dalvin Cook. But the real story (in my mind) was a breakout performance from Stefon Diggs (21pts) on MNF. If Nick can solve some smaller issues on his team - a second championship might not be out of the question. But Jared... he'll need some more help. Eddie Lacy put up a big fat zero as Jared's RB1 - that's less than ideal. Austin Hooper's 23 bench points would've be helpful to Jared's cause - but he still would've lost. (At least he won him the BBB!) Somehow just one of the heads of Jared's four headed WR beast (Baldwin/Cooks/Pryor/Nelson) managed double digits. Maybe it's time to trade a couple of them for a starting RB?

Bill v. Andrew

Our second lowest scoring matchup was the rematch of last year's championship. I think someone forgot to tell Andrew he had a game this week. Just nine months removed from winning the Sports Champion Winner Trophy (and a sweet windbreaker) Andrew could only manage 42 points. Forty two. He had one starting player in double digits: Melvin Gordon (13pts). So he wouldn't have come close to beating Bill even if Odell Beckham HAD played on Sunday night. Sad. Bill scrapped together 103 points even though he only had three starting players in double digits: Buffalo D (11pts), Zeke (15pts) and - oh yeah, Kareem Hunt with 45 points. Sorry. I could've summed this matchup up in four words: Kareem Hunt beat Andrew.

Jeremy v. Dustin

Our lowest scoring matchup didn't actually involve any of our lowest four scoring teams - just two very mediocre ones. Jeremy came out of the gates on fire with Mike Gillislee (22pts) and Tyreek Hill (24pts) on Thursday night... and that was about it. The only other double digit scoring players on his roster were a pair of matching 11 point TE's on his bench - Coby Fleener and Charles Clay - who each scored exactly 11 points more than the TE Jeremy started - Tyler Eifert. And so it was that Dustin pulled off a week one win with three players who managed a double digit score: Ben Roethlisberger (15pts), Legarette Blount (10pts) and the Pittsburgh D (20pts). Yup. That's really it. A player with two zeros on their starting roster won a game this week and we're only just getting started!

Sports.